Appropriate Dancing

*I hear one of my female students singing 'Let It Go' and look up to see her twerking against a chair. She immediately gets self conscious and stops.*

Me: "Is that how you normally dance to the Frozen soundtrack?"

Student: "Uhhhhh.......    ...yeah."

Screen Watchers

One of my most proud moments as a teacher came today when I made a reference to Goldeneye: 007 and my students recognized it.

"Screen-watching is a valid tactic."

First Year Nicknames: Part 2

Trollolololol

Two of my students have been pestering for me to buy them Chipotle since they had A's for both quarters.  I decided to make a couple of 'burritos' out of some balled up paper and aluminum foil.

The response:

Student 1: "Are you trying to crush our dreams?"

Student 2: "I want my assignments back.  I want to un-submit my work, so I no longer have an A."

Peers

Student: "If we all do good on the final tomorrow can....  Wait.  Nevermind.  I just remembered what class I am in."

Things You Shouldn't Say In Class: Part 3

Female Student on Facetime: "So, why don't you want to go to the strip club with me this weekend?  I got plenty of cash."

*Pulls out a giant wad of ones and holds it in front of her computer screen.*

Mou-llet

I saw a student this morning with the most unusual hair style.  She had taken the majority of her hair and formed two buns slightly off center of the top of her head giving her a Minnie Mouse look.  At the same time the back of her hair was long which made everything look like a very complex mullet.

First Year Nicknames: Part 1

FPS

My students have started playing Call of Duty in their free time at the end of class and after school.  It may have been about 10 years since I was last playing a first person shooter, but I can tell they are terrible.  I am tempted to start playing just so I can beat them all, and tell them to get back to work.

Sometimes they do understand.

Student 1: "Man, I don't want to do all this work."

Me: "I didn't want to come to work today, but here I am."

Student 1: "What? You like coming to work."

Me: "Just because I enjoy teaching does not mean I always enjoy coming to work."

Student 2: "....And listening to you all."

The Walls Are Crying

It is raining outside.  It is raining inside.  This is why we can't have nice things.

Crazy Pills

*Two students are play fighting*

Me: "Alright guys, lets take it to the hallway."

Student 1: "You are going to let us fight out in the hallway?"

Me: "Sure! (Principal) is out there.  We can all have a nice conversation."

Student 2: "Do we get to talk to her before we fight?"

Me: "Nope, I can't have you wasting her time."

*Student 1 sticks his head out the door, and sees the the principal standing in the hallway*

Student 1: "Oh shit! She is actually there!"

Hide and Go Seek

Tell Her I Said Hi

Student: "Hey Mr., You want to facetime my girlfriend?"

Me: "Nah, I'll talk to her later."

Student: "Wait, what!?!"

Pizza Time!

*We are learning about probability and I was going over a word problem about pizza toppings.*

Student: "Oh man, I love pizza.  I saw this movie one time where the delivery man went all the way into this lady's house...."

Me: "You should probably stop talking right there."

Happy Thanksgiving!

Student: "What do you mean, 'White people don't have macaroni and cheese at Thanksgiving."?!?!

*Note: There will be macaroni and cheese this year."

Trapped in the Closet

One of my students just hid his laptop in my closet playing R. Kelly at full blast.

Makeup

My students got done with a test early and one of the girls convinced several of the guys to put mascara in their beards.

When they tried to wipe it off later they just ended up with giant black marks all over their faces.

Party Tonight!

*Note: I always make students trade me for a calculator; otherwise, they never return.*

Student: "Can I trade you a cell phone for a calculator?"

Me: "Yup.  Sweet, now I am going to text all your friends, 'Party at my house tonight'"

Student: "You aren't funny."

Me: "I'm hilarious."

The Easy Way

*reviewing for proofs*

Studnet: "Why do we have to do things the hard way?  Can't we do this the easy way?"

Me: "Because the easy way isn't correct."

Student: "But don't you know that phrase?  Somethin' somethin' somethin' easy way.  I don't remember the phrase, but it has something about the easy way."

Me: "Did you use the easy way to learn that phrase?"

Student: "Uhhh, yeah!"

Friends

Field Trip

Today was the first day chaperoning a field trip with my students.  We toured a culinary school and then had lunch.  As we were leaving the manager of the fast food place came running out after us and said, "We have never had such a large group of teenagers (there were 42) leave our restaurant so clean!"

Everybody Has Problems

Student 1: "Hey, (Student 2)! Move your head.  I can't see the board."

Me: "Hey (Student 1), why don't you stand up?"

Student 1: "I can't, because my ankle is hurt."

Student 2: "I can't, because my head is too big."

How Dumb do You Think I Am?

If you miss a week of lectures covering how to write a proof I am not likely to believe you did your own work when you hand in a perfectly completed proof in under five minutes.

Serious Threats

Student 1: "Mr., __________ says he is going to dragon kick your heart out."

Me: "Wow, how would that work?  I am imagining you on fire as you are flying through the air.  Would my heart pop out the front or the back?"

Student 2: "It would pop out all over, and split into a million pieces."

Me: "Sweet! I am looking forward to this!"

The Problem With Knowing Math and Being a Smart-Ass

*Yup, thats a /facepalm*

The Joy of Using Chalk

I blue myself.  Now I have something of a mess on my hands.

Snack Time!

Two of my students have started selling candy and snacks to other students.  This isn't a random unplanned operation.  They have multiple lunch boxes organizing different types of of food, and now they have even started rolling around a backpack to carry the large volume of food they are selling.

Love Marks

Student 1: "Do you get in trouble if you come to school with hickeys?"

Student 2: "I come to school with hickeys all the time, and I never get in trouble."

Student 1: "Giving them to yourself doesn't count."

Get Pumped Up!

We are reviewing for a test today, and I noticed one of my students was listening to "Eye of the Tiger".  This student doesn't always do his work and I thought, "Yeah, he is getting into this! He is going to rock this test!"  Then he started listening to "I'll be Watching You" by The Police and I was immediately creeped out.

Speedbump!

Double Entendre

Student: "I am a submission specialist."

*Note: The student was talking about wrestling, but that doesn't change the meaning by much.*

Lunch On the Go

Me: "Are you are eating out of a frisbee?"

Student: "Yeah, you never done this?"

Me: "Nope.  Do you actually play frisbee, or do you just have a frisbee for eating?"

Student: "Naw, I just keep it for eatin'"

Me: "Is that why they call it fast food?"

Candyland

Student: "Mr., can you check my answer?"

*Note: The answer should be 'If ice forms on the sidewalk then it is cold outside.'*

Me: "I'm not sure where you live, but I wan't to live in a place where ice cream forms on the sidewalk."

J. Beebs

"Man, you don't know nothin' bout that Justin Bieber.  Than n___a goes hard."

DON'T PANIC

Conditional Statements

Me: "How can we turn 'Thanksgiving in the United States falls on the fourth Thursday of November' into an if/then statement."

Student: "If Thanksgiving in the United states falls on the fourth Thursday of November then...."

Me: "We ran out of information there.  The 'then' needs to be in the middle.  It needs to break our statement in two."

Student: "If Thanksgiving in the United States, then falls on the fourth Thursday of November."

Me: "That isn't a sentence."

Student: "If Thanksgiving then the United States falls on the fourth Thursday of November."

Me: "The United States doesn't fall on the fourth Thursday of November."

Student: "If it is Thanksgiving in the United States then it is the fourth Thursday of November."

Me: "Yes, now right that down."

Student: "Wait, what did I just say?"

The Worst Kind of Snack

Student: "Hey Mr., you ever had poop cookies?"

Me: "That sounds disgusting."

Student: "Aww no, they are great.  They have all that white stuff on top."

Me: "You aren't making it sound any better.

Triangles are My Favorite Shape...

Student: "Man whats with all these triangles?"

Me: "You got a problem with three sided shapes?"

Student: "What if I do?  What you gonna do about it?"

Me: "Draw a four sided shape."

Throw Back Conferences

Conferences my first year were sparse to say the least.  Alternative schools are not usually know for their parent involvement.  In a whole day of conferences we saw two parents total.  Two parents. For the whole school.  Teachers got so desperate for something to do that when a parent showed up EVERY teacher, regardless of whether or not they had the student in class, came to the conference.

Parents

In honor of the start of parent/teacher conferences this week here are some of the parents that I see at EVERY parent/teacher conference session.

There are always free cookies.

Warning Signs

You can always tell that someone is serious about fighting when they start taking of their jewelry and/or glasses.

All I wanted to do was to give a quiz and have a nice relaxing day.

Visual Learners

Me: "So, in our formula 'h' is the final height."

Student: "How do we know the final height? There aren't any more numbers."

Me: "Well our problem says the ball hits the ground.  What is the height of the ground?"

Student: "What? One?"

*I lay down on the floor*

Me: "How high am I off the ground?"

Student: "Zero?"

Me *still on the ground*: "Yaaay!"

Car insurance

Student: "I'm 'bout to turn sixteen.  I can't wait to drive."

Me: "Well you need to make sure you have a drivers license and insurance before you start driving."

Student: "Whatever I have been having insurance since I was a little kid."

Me: "Car insurance?"

Student: "....Uhhh.  Yeah.  Back in the day I got my big-wheel insured. "

Injury

Student: "This dude was about to fight this other dude on crutches, and the dude on crutches dropped them and ran off.  So, I'm like, 'Damn, what the hell he need those crutches for?'"

Screaming Match

Got to Hustle!

Student: "After breakfast I managed to grab a whole bunch of those Honey Buns."

Me: "You must have been hungry, those things are gross."

Student: "Well, I was going to hustle them, but then I got hungry."

Prizes!

Student 1: "My shoes are cleaner than yours.  I have had these for two years and I never have to clean them."

Student 2: "Do you want a biscuit? Maybe a cookie?"

Fast Feet

*Student is kicking a ball of paper around like a soccer ball.  He kicks it past me and spins around the other side.*

Student: "Ohhh! I juked you!"

*student runs into a desk while looking at me.*

End of the Quarter

Me: "We need to go over the bellwork, and then we will start our test."

Student: "We have a test today?!?!"

Me: "Yes, I have been talking about it every day for the last week."

Student: "Can I take it tomorrow?"

Me: "No"

Student: "What do you mean no?"

Me: "I mean that you have to take the test today.  Today is also the last day to do any make up tests after school."

Student: "What?!?  When did this happen?"

Me: "Once again, I have mentioned this in class every day for the last week.  I also sent you an email with this information."

Professional Development

Prius

Giant football player: "I'm 16 I can drive now."

Student 2: "What do you drive?"

GFP: "A prius."

Student 2: "How do you even fit in there?"

Sleep Aid

Student: "I call my fists 'NyQuil' and 'Lullaby'"

The Highest of Compliments

Female Student: "Girl, you look good."

Transgender Student: "Thanks!"

Female Student: "No, really! You look better than most girls in this school."

WeeFee

Student: "What's up with the wee-fee today?  Nothing works."

Me: "Do you mean wi-fi?"

Student: "Yeah, but we call it wee-fee."

My Two Dimensional World

I am proud to announce that I am going to begin illustrating my blog once a week on Wednesdays!  My illustrations are based of of the book Flatland by Edwin Abbott.  Now I can share my terrible handwriting with the whole internet.

Let's have everyone introduce themselves.

Daytime TV

*Students looking at Facebook*

Student: "This girl, she is the second girl I know to be on Jerry Springer..."

Book Book

Student: "Mr., the online textbook wont load."

*I hand him a physical textbook*

Me: "Try this one.  It loads instantly, and everything is in HD.  No matter how fast you turn the pages there is no load time."

Student: "..."

Redemption

At the end of yesterday I was completely stressed out about students acting like jerks, but my last class of the day completely redeemed themselves.

One of my students in the class is out and obviously flamboyant in the way he acts.  He is also  about 6'4", so he tends to stand out.  Yesterday he arrived late and dressed completely as a woman.  No one batted an eye.  Most students didn't even look liked they noticed, but once we stared with our time for the daily assignment a few of the girls went over to compliment him on his first weave.

Sometimes teenagers can surprise you for the best.

The Real Halftime Show

Student 1: "Who is the football team playing this weekend?"

Student 2: "(Rival School)"

Student 1: "Oh hell yeah!  There always be hella fights when we play (Rival School)!"

Narcolepsy

*As I am walking around one of my classes one of my students stops what he is doing and puts his head down every time I walk by.*

Me: "You ok?  Every time I walk by you fall asleep.  You could have narcolepsy."

Pickles....

Random question for the day: "Mr., do you have any pickles?"

The Limit as Sleep Approaches Distraction

Normally I don't wake people when they fall asleep during a test or a quiz; students should be responsible enough to do that on their own.  Once someone starts snoring all bets are off.

Thug Life

Student: "Mr., are you a thug."

Me: "You know it.  I'm the biggest math thug their is."

Student: "Did the thug life choose you?"

Me: "I don't think you are allowed to choose the thug life."

Dude....

*In a professional development meeting*

Teacher: "What should I do if a student challenges my authority?"

Me: "Have you used the phrase, 'Cool story bro.'?"

Lookin' Good for Lunchtime

Student: "It is too cold in this building."

*pulls her arms in from her sleeves into her hoodie*

Student: "I'm just going to go around school like this."

*10 min later*

Student: "Somebody brush my hair.  I can't go to lunch with it looking raggedy."

Truth

We played monopoly this week and the money they started off with was a loan.  Every time they went around the board they had to make a loan payment and whatever was left over gained 5% interest.  I then asked them a series of questions including "Did you pay the minimum amount or more?  Why?"  Best response, "I payed the minimum because I was poor."

Goldfinger

One of my students just walked into class wearing a metallic gold suit with matching shoes.  If school policy allowed him to wear a hat I'm sure he would have one that matched.

Dancing Bears

Life lesson for the day: Dancing in public is like running from a bear.  You don't have to be the best, just don't be the worst.

Those Hands

Student: "My hands is bisexual."

Me: "What? I don't think that means what you think it means."

Student: "My hands is bisexual.  They smack both men and women."

Me: "That really doesn't mean what you think it means."

Pep Assembly

"We don't need cheerleaders for a pep assembly.  The whole thing is really just a bunch of noise.  All we need is a bunch of kids to be loud."

Reign of Terror

It has taken a few years, but I'm pretty sure my lesson on exponential growth and credit card debt strikes fear into the hearts of students.

Not a Trashcan

Every time I take I day off work I dread what I am going to find when I return.  Today I found my water bottle had been stuffed with used kleenexes.

SPOARTZ!!!

Student: "Who was that quarterback for The Chiefs a few years ago who sucked?"

Me: "That isn't very descriptive"

Resume

*We were working on creating resumes in my home room this week*

Student: "Man, I don't want to do this; it is stupid."

Me: "What?  You are going to need this if you want to get a job."

Student: "I'm not going to get a job.  Ever."

Me: "..."

Student: "Yeah, I'm going to be a bum!"

Me: "What?  Are you going to live in a van down by the river?"

Student: "No, I'm going to live by the lake."

Clash of Clans

Student 1: "Mr., do you play Clash of Clans?"

Me: "Yeah"

Student 1: "What level are you?"

Me: "Nine, I think."

Student 1: "What?  Thats all?"

Student 2: "Yeah, he probably has a life."

Really Into Music

Student: "Mr., do you listen to Drake?"

Me: "No"

Student: "You gotta listen to Drake.  There are those time that you just FEEL Drake."

Me: "You like to feel Drake?"

RAWR!

"Mr., do I have T-Rex arms?"

Soundtrack for the Day

Our school always plays music in the main hallway in front of our office.  This means someone made a conscious decision to play a Kenny G covers Celine Dion CD.  I'm not sure what this implies, but I can't agree with it.

Words

Student 1: "Mr., would you tell him to stop cussing at me?"

Student 2: "I didn't say shit to him."

Stone Age Games

Me: "Could one of you guys put the calculator away?"

*students grumble about who is going to put it away*

Me: "Rock, Paper, Scissors for it."

Student: "Man, I haven't played that game in a day.  Last time I played that game I was riding a dinosaur."

Better Than Axe

*Student 1 is eating an orange*

Student 2: "Man, you reek of oranges.  You ain't comin' over to my house tomorrow smelling all fruity."

Take the Lead

Student: "You can't have girls lead in dancing."

Me: "Why not?"

Student: "Because you would fall down if a girl was leading."

Me: "If you fall down then just get back up and keep dancing."

Student: "No way, if I fall down I just lay there.  Texting people."

Accents

I have one student who thinks that it is really cool to talk in an Australian accent.  He is pretty much alone in that belief, but no one has the heart to tell him.

Shakin' it

Student: "If you are out of salt can you shake it like a salt shaker?"

Me: "No, you have to shake it like a Polaroid picture."

Student: "Whats that?  Is that some teacher thing?"

*sigh*

Vending Machines

Student: "Man, why don't this school have vending machines?  (My old school) had vending machines in all the hallways."

Me: "Well I actually have a vending machine at home.  I wanted to bring it here from my room, but it was too heavy for me to carry all the way up to third floor."

Student: "Why didn't you use the elevator?"

Me: "It is too tall, and it won't fit."

Student: "Oh, that makes sense."

Code words

All teachers have code words.  'Choir Practice', 'Professional Development', and 'Church' all stand for 'Bar'.

"Are you going to church after school?"
"For sure I really need to do some praying."

The funniest part is when students break the code and not even realize it.

"Why are you guys going to church after work?  If I were you I would go to a bar."

Bandaids

Student 1: "Do you have a bandaid?"

*Note: student is not actually bleeding*

Me: "Nope, I have kleenex and tape, so if you want you can make a bandaid."

Student 2: "Hahaha, dude ain't playin."

Man-hoes

Female Student: "He a hoe, thats why I had to punch him in the face."

New Year

Today was the first day for all students and after school I was checking on the new teachers to make sure they had survived.  I got this reaction from one teacher, "The most terrifying thing about today is that I have to do it all again tomorrow."

I'm not sure truer words have ever been spoken.

Fashion Police

*Sound of a large bag of chips being opened*

Me: "(Student), what are you eating over there?"

Student: "Nothin, thats my shirt."

Me: "Are you wearing a plastic shirt?"

Relationships

*I am so happy I can laugh at teenage relationships.*

Student: "Mr., is it ok to break up with someone because he wants to hang out with his friends?"

Me: "What?"

Student: "Yeah, I was dating this guy and he wanted to hang out with his friends instead of me so I broke up with him."

Me: "Uhhh..."

Student: "After I broke up with him I was hoping he would come back to me, but he hasn't yet."

*This was the point where I could no longer contain my laughter*

Steak and Leg

Student: "Mr., Do you know how to stanky leg?"

Me: "Steak and leg?  That sounds delicious."

Student: "No, Stanky leg.  It's a dance."

Thank You for Paying Attention

I give the students their assignment and carefully explain what they are supposed to be doing.  Everyone goes to work in an unusually quiet manner.

*40 min later*

Student: "What are we supposed to be doing?"

Snacks

Student: "Mr., you want some tamales?"

Me: "The candy?"

*The student pulls a bag of actual tamales out of her purse*

Ye Olde Calculatore

Student 1: "Can I have one of the big calculators?" (A graphing calculator.)

Me: "So you want a giant wall mounted calculator where you have to push buttons with both hands?"

*About 15 minutes later*

Student 2: "Can I have one of those big old calculators?"

Me: "You want giant buttons and some kind of gear mechanism to actually calculate something?"

Life Goals

Me: "You might want to grab that permission slip.  The college visit is going to be interesting."


Student: "Why? I'm going to drop out when I turn 16."


Me: "You would probably really enjoy college, and you are certainly smart enough."


Student: "I'm gonna drop out and be a crackhead. Yeah...."

That Kid

Student: "Man, when I was in kindergarden eating glue was the shi....  stuff."

Trippin'

Apparently my students have never heard the term 'guilt trip', and they just spend the remainder of class telling each other, "You be guilt trippin."

Things You Shouldn't Say in Class: Part 2

Me: "Did everyone have a good weekend?"

Student 1: "I had a great weekend.  I went to a block party and I got torn up.  We had whole bottles."

Me: "You probably should have just left that at, 'I had a great weekend.'"

Truth

Student: "Girl, you know you trashy if you takin' out yo' weave in class."

Herrrr

Student: "Mr., it's hot in here."

Me: "Kinda like the song?"

Student: "..."

Me: "You can't be so young you don't remember that song."

Test Results

*Phone Rings*

Me: "(Student 1), the nurse wants you to go down and see her."

Student 2: "Looks like those test results are in."

Snacking Problems

Watching students try to take notes while trying not to smudge their paper with hot cheeto dust is hilarious.

Beards

If I haven't shaved for a few days my students tell me that I look like, "a guy that would come after you with a chainsaw."

Gangsta Life

Student: "You like my drawing?"

Me: "What is it?"

Student: "Man, it's a gangsta."

Me: "With a big clown nose?"

Student: "You don't know nothin' about the gansta life."

Let it be known that if I am shot in the near future (two years ago) it was because I called a 'gangsta' a clown.

Zen Teaching

Me: "If you textbook is taking a while to load contemplate the sound of one hand clapping."

Superwoman

One of my students in spinning around in an office chair.

Student 1: "You are going to fall our of that chair."

Student 2: "I'm not going to fall; I'm a superstar."

Giiiiirrrrllll

Student 1: "Man, I'm not comin' to school no more.  We are done!"

Student 2: "Why not, they got free food here?"

Student 1: "Girl, I got food at home.  This school food be triflin'."

Patience

"No, I don't have your final graded an hour after you turned it in.  Go away."

Things You Shouldn't Say in Class

Student: "Does anyone have clean pee?  I need some clean urine.  Someone help me out.  I got $100 for some clean urine."

Class response: "...."

Vocabulary

Student (to another student): "You cuss a lot.  Do you have a high vocabulary?"

VHS

A few years back one of the supply cabinets was getting cleaned out and there were teaching materials being given away before they were going to be thrown away.  I found this gem in the pile.

Cookies!

*One of my collaborating teachers brought food to class.*

A Student walks up with a whole tray of cookies: "It's you and me Mr.  Lets take these cookies and run."

Me: "I'm an adult I can make a batch of cookies any time I want to."

*He looked so disappointed*

A First and Probably a Last

Since so many of my calculators 'wander off' I make students trade me something in order to use one.  When I get my calculator back I return what they traded me.  Most people will trade their student ID or sometimes their backpack.  Today I had someone trade me a handmade wooden cutting board.  I doubt that will ever happen again.

Monday

Student: "Fuck Monday"

* I couldn't agree more.*

Totes Adorbs!

Nothing gets a couple to move away from each other faster than a teacher exclaiming how cute they are

*A couple is starting to make out in the hallway.*

Me (yelling down the hallway):  "You guys wore matching shirts! That is so cute!  Did you guys call each other this morning to coordinate?"

*The students stare at me awkwardly and go in opposite directions.*

Green Team

*The Green Team is our environmental and recycling club.*

Student 1 (to Student 2): "Oh, you are on the green team.  Thats whats up." *puts hand up for a high five*

Student 2: "...."

Student 1: "You just going to leave me hanging?"

Student 2: "You have cooties."

Summer Weather

Student 1: "You know, I was going to wear a dress today, but it would have been too warm to wear with one of my sweaters."

Me: "I had the same problem this morning.  None of my sweaters were clean, and I didn't have anything else that matched my dress.  I decided to wear pants instead."

Student 1: "Hahaha"

Student 2: "You wear dresses Mr.?"

Is it the weekend?

The only thing worse than having to sit through a two hour all school assembly is having to help escort 20 students out halfway through.

Young Love

*Two students arguing in class; acting as if they are going to fight later*

Student 1: "Man, I'll go!  I'll meet you wherever you want!"

Student 2: "Whatever, you ain't gonna show."

Me: "Guys would you plan your date later?  The rest of us are trying to learn."

That Stuff

Student 1: "Man he (student 2) is addicted to that stuff."

Me: "What stuff?"

Student 1: "That crack.  Thats why he's so fat."

*everyone bursts out laughing*

Facespace

Student 1: "Mr, _________ posted a picture of me on Facebook."

Student 2: "I don't even have a Facebook; that is so social media."

The coolest kid in school

*A kid walks into class with his shirt tucked into his sweatpants and his sweatpants are pulled up to his chest.*

Me: "That is awesome."

Student: "Yeah, I'm the coolest."

Me: "No, if you were the coolest you would tuck your pants into your socks."

*He then proceeded to tuck his pants into his socks and wear them that way for the rest of class.*

Ratchet Shapes

*I put up pictures of regular and irregular polygons and I asked students to describe the differences.*

Student: "Those ones (the irregular polygons) are all ratchet."

Me: "Yes, but what is a math term for ratchet?"

Desperate Measures

Student: "Mr., you ever heard of someone stealing some Walmart hamburger meat?"

Me: "Walmart hamburger meat?  Eww, no."

A New Circle of Hell

There is nothing in the world that I hate more than having to proctor a standardized test with freshman.    It is my own personal form of hell.  Today I had to have to remove a student ( the second one removed today) because he crammed a bean bag into his desk and wanted to argue when I told him he wasn't allowed to sit on the bean bag to take his test.

A Piece of Advice

Me (to student):  "If your fourteen year old girlfriend starts talking about having kids you should be scared."

Student: "Hahaha"

Co-Teacher: "No seriously.  Tell that girl, 'See ya', and go buy a playstation.  A playstation is way cheaper than a kid."

Drool

I have a higher rate of attendance today than most mondays, but I also have a higher rate of sleeping (and subsequently drool on assignments) than usual.

Creative Solution

Sometimes people don't want to wake up.

Public Service Announcement

I have a large stack of blank paper that I give to students.  Today I discovered that not all of the pages are blank.  As I was passing out paper one of the sheets had, "Keep it fresh for school." printed on one side.

One of my upper classmen commented, "You should hang they up for your freshman.  They smell."

Lunch

Student 1: "What's for lunch?"

Me: "No idea.  I don't even go down to the cafeteria.:

Student 1: "They should have TV's in each of the rooms that show what is for lunch."

Student 2: "Why?  So you can steal one?"

Big Brother is Watching

When students decide to sleep in class I like to take pictures of them.

The next day this student decided to do the same thing.

Stupid

Every once and a while someone does something so dumb that even the other students say, "Why the hell would you do that?"

Todays event: Showing up to school when you know the police are looking for you.

Disaster Zone

My first to blocks are both freshman and my third block is upperclassmen. Inevitably my room is a complete mess by third block and my upperclassmen ask, "What happened in here?"  My answer is always the same, "Freshmen."

Disease

Normally I don't get anxious about germs but currently my whole class looks on the verge of sneezing out a new organism.  Plus the hallway smells like vomit....

Hello Monday

Me: "For those of you that have been paying attention this assignment should be easy."

Student: "Was that supposed to be funny?"

Me: "Yes, but I am mostly just entertaining myself."

Lights

*There is a thunders storm going on outside and the lights flicker*

Student: "What was that?"

Me: "Mrs. (Principal) forgot to pay the electric bill."

Pants

A student walks into class this morning and the first thing out of his mouth is, "My pants are cold!"

Shaving

When trying to remember the word for a straight razor one of my students came up with the phrase, "That thing that boys shave with to try and feel manly."

Spinal Tap

Me: "What did you guys do this weekend?"

Student: "Aw man, me and my friends we turned it up."

Me: "To eleven?"

So there's that....

No matter how many times it happens I never know how to respond when a fifteen year old girl tells me she is pregnant.

This same student was telling me about her sister having a few months back.

Happy Birthday?

Student: "Is my birthday in two weeks?"

Me: "You don't know when your birthday is?"

Reality Check

Today is one of those days where I am reminded that some of my students have very real issues that I cannot fix.  Many students want to escape from school, but some use school as an escape.

Fashion Statement

Some days I honestly can't tell if my students are wearing lipstick or if they have simply eaten too many hot cheetos.

Feed Me!

Student: "Do you have anything to eat?"

Me: "Nope."

Student: "No apple, crackers, pears?  Nothing?"

Me: "Nope"

Student: "How do you live?"

Me: "I feed off of children's tears."

Papers Please

Student: "Where am I supposed to turn these papers in?"

Me: "What are they?"

Student: "I don't know."

Me: "How am I supposed to know where they go if you don't even know what they are?"

Is everybody paying attention?

I don't have students today, but here is a conversation I had about 30 min before the end of yesterday.

Student: "So, I didn't realize that we were supposed to turn in our assignments."

Me: "Wait, what?  What did you think that you were supposed to do with them?"

Student: "I don't know.  I wasn't really paying attention.  I spend a lot of time on Facebook."

Me: "So you didn't get the hint when everyone else was turning in papers?"

Third Quarter

Today is the last day for the quarter.  This day is also known as, "Turn in everything in my binder including notes and previous assignments that I have already turned in, so I can try to get more points day."

Doin' The Most

*Students are working on a multi-step word problem*

Me: "You should really try on this."

Student: "I worked so hard on this.  Put in so much effort."

*The paper is blank except for his name and the date.*

Me: "Whoa! You have your name AND the date? Wow, you may need to lay down and rest after that one."

Bad Weave

Student 1: "I'm so excited, the weather next week is supposed to be nice.  Imma put in my bad weave."

Me: "Your bad weave?"

Student 1: "My bad B weave."

Student 2: "Your bad bitch weave?"

Me: "I clearly didn't understand what she was saying, thank you for explaining."

Music

*I hear music through someone's headphones across the room.*

Me (to student 1): "Is that your music or his music?"

Student 1 (to student 2): "Dude, turn down your music."

Student 2 (headphones still in): "I'M NOT EVEN LISTENING TO MUSIC."

Student 1: "How can you be that bad at lying?"

I Am the Nightmare

Student (who hasn't been in class for at least two weeks): "When is our test over this?"

Me: "In about thirty seconds.  Class, are there any final questions before I pass out the test?"

More Sayings

"Mr. did you cut your hair?"
"Nope, someone else cut it for me."

"Mr. did you get a hair cut?"
"Nope, I got all of them cut."

Cash Money

Student: "Mr. do you have change for a twenty?"

Me: "Do I look like I'm made out of money?"

Student: "I wish you were."

Me: "Me too."

Cabin Pressure Has Returned to Normal

Well after two days of being sick and one snow day I am back in the classroom.

The students must have noticed that I rarely take sick days because I was greeted with, "How you gonna leave us like that?"

Running in to trouble

In my home room this week I had two students pretending like they were going to fight.

One of them says, "Let's take this outside."  They walk outside, close the door, and them immediately run back in with a panicked look on their faces.

I walk outside to find our head principal standing there.

Sick Day

I'm out sick today, so here is a drawing one of my students did monday.  There isn't really anyway to explain this except to say that it isn't nearly as creepy as it looks.

I shouldn't have to explain this...

*Things I never thought I would have to say to a high school student.*

"Don't sit on people."

My Life At School

Student 1: "Do teachers get to leave early when it starts to snow during the day?"

Me: "What are you talking about?  I live here."

Student 1: "What?"

Me: "Yeah, I have a cot in my closet."

Student 2: "Whatever, we know you got a wife."

Me: "Yeah, thats why I have two closets."

Be Creative

Student (singing): "I'm turning in my work, turning in my work, turning in my work."

Me: "Thanks, but next time I want an interpretive dance."

Livestock

I saw a black cock in the school parking lot this morning.  I think this is the only time I can safely say this phrase without having to call the police.

Full Showers

Freshman: "Can we open the window?  It stanks in here."

Me: "If you all showered regularly we wouldn't have that issue."

Cash Money

Student: "What is with this problem?  I keep getting fat stacks of numbers."

Me: "There is nothing wrong with fat stacks of numbers.  Some day when you are counting all your money you will say, 'I'm glad I paid attention in math class because now I can count these fat stacks of cash.'"

Another One of My Sayings

Student: "Do we really have to do this assignment?"

Me: "Well really you don't have to do anything you don't want to, but if you don't do this assignment it is going to be very easy for me to grade."

V-Day

*Students are reading off 'poems' that people have left on their facebook walls.*

"Roses are red
Violets are blue
Happy anniversary"

Dividing by Two Doesn't Work

Student: "I know that isn't me that stinks.  I had a whole shower this morning."

Me: "Instead of half a shower?"

Student: "Yeah"

Me: "If you take half a shower which half do you shower?  The left or the right?"

Who are you?

Student: "I just want you to know that I won't be here in class today."

Me: "I haven't seen you in a month.  How is today any different?"

Oh children...

My 'Leadership Skills' class went to an elementary school today to play with Legos with the first graders.

The first graders were better behaved that the majority of my freshman.

Skool

As I was going through my phone I found this picture from a few year back which manages to capture the entirety of my teaching experience.  I don't even remember who wrote it.

V-Day

Student: "Hey, Mr.  Where should I take my girl for Valentines Day?"

Me: "If you really want to impress her then you should try making her dinner."

*I look up some easy recipes for him to try and he thinks about it for a bit.*

Student: "I think I am just going to take her somewhere cheap.  Have you heard of Cap'n D's?"

Animals

My first year teaching we had some sixth graders who decided to only respond by making animal noises.  One of our teachers managed to record these animal noises.  We next did what any professional staff would do; we played the recording back at our all staff meeting.  Our meeting inevitably devolved into the whole staff making animal noises as well.

Shoes

Day two of snow days.  Here is a story from a couple weeks back.



My students love to custom design shoes online.  I must be old because they all look ridiculous.

Student: "Mr. check out these shoes.  Would you ever wear these?"

Me: "Nope"

Student: "What? Why not?"

Me: "Because I would look like Ronald McDonald."

Walk like no one is watching

A student was walking in front of me down the hallway, and he had no idea that there was anyone else around him.  As he was walking he started throwing his hall pass higher and higher into the air.   Eventually the paper got high enough into the air where the shape of the paper caused it to flutter towards the wall.  In a valiant effort to catch the paper before it hit the ground the student slammed himself into the locker and ended up on the floor.

Once he realized that I was watching him; I couldn't control my laughter.

Oops

*One of my students was talking to me about their sister being pregnant.*

Student: "My sister is due in about two weeks so things are getting crazy at our apartment."

Me: "I have several friends with kids, but I now have some friends who are trying to trying to have kids on purpose."

Student:  "What?!?  Why would anyone try to have kids on purpose?!?"

My Favorite Saying

Me (to my students): "I only lie to you all when it is really funny."

Movies

Student 1: "Wait, who is Tom Cruise?"

Me: "He is that dude from Braveheart."

Student 2: "No he isn't, don't lie to us.  He was in Lion King."

The Interwebz

Student 1 (to Student 2): "Where did you hear that, the internet?"

Me: "You can't put anything on the internet that isn't true."

Student2: "Really? So those killer clowns are real?"

Big Purple Dinosaur

Me (to a student):  "Those are some really purple shoes."

Student: "I stole 'em from Barney."

Haterade

*Students watching a video*

Me: "Turn off the sound or put in headphones."

Student: "Man, you a hater."

Me: "Haterade!  That's what I drink for breakfast!"

Student: "Thats too much hatin'."

I Has a Bucket!

At the beginning of the year we were given a new set of supplies in case of a disaster situation.

We were told to bring the bucket containing these supplies with us any time we locked down for a tornado or an intruder situation.

Our training was more of a listing of the objects inside the bucket, but as the objects were listed we slowly realized their purpose.  Duct tape, a tarp, and toilette paper....  "You gave us a poop bucket did you?"

Time Lord

Me: "You want a textbook?"

Student: "Yeah, I been waitin' on this for three four days."

Me: "What are you a time traveler?"

Student: "Well ya gotta do what ya gotta do."

Doin' too much

Student: "Wait, so I have to multiply 6 by 3x AND 10?  That is just too much."

Me: "Life is SO hard..."

Purse In a Management Position

Girl (to another student): "Did you just go through my purse?  You do not go through a pimp's purse!"

100!

Today my blog turns 100 (posts)!

Here is one of my favorite stories from a few years back.

I was up at the board drawing a diagram and one of my student came up next to me and started copying exactly what I was doing.  In general this kid didn't do a whole lot in class, but was a good kid.  Since it was so out of the ordinary for him to be doing anything productive I looked at him and asked, "What the heck are you doing?"  Now I am pretty sure he wanted to say, "Huh?", but as he opened his mouth I could see that it was crammed full of large marshmallows.  My immediate reaction was to ask, "Where did you get all of those marshmallows?!?"  He pointed back to his desk and sure enough there was a bag of large jet puffed marshmallows.

The Fun Students

*A group of students is being loud before class starts*

Student (not in the group): "Man Mr.  It looks like they gave you all the.... fun students this semester."

Me: "Well I guess they give the fun students to the fun teachers."

No help for you!

Me: "I will be here after school if you need extra help."

Student: "What?!? We just started, and its Friday!"

Me: "Ok fine, no one is allowed to come in after school."

No One is Excited for Monday

Me: "You should be working on the problem on the board."

Student: "I should, but I don't want to."

Me: "We all have to do things we don't want to do.  I'm here at work today."

Student: "Yeah, but you like your job.  You like helping students."

Me: "True, but that doesn't always mean I want to go to work."

Problems

Student (singing): "I got 99 problems..."

Me: "But math ain't one."

Throwback

One of the advantages of being out in a trailer my first year was not having to deal with the sewage gas leak in the main building.

And We're Back

After two days of cold related days off I am back in the classroom.

Student 1 to Student 2: "How tall are you?"

Student 2 who is clearly the shortest person in class: " I'm six eight."

Me: "You mean five eight?"

Student 2: "Naw, I'm just slouchin'."