Happy Thanksgiving!

Student: "What do you mean, 'White people don't have macaroni and cheese at Thanksgiving."?!?!

*Note: There will be macaroni and cheese this year."

Trapped in the Closet

One of my students just hid his laptop in my closet playing R. Kelly at full blast.

Makeup

My students got done with a test early and one of the girls convinced several of the guys to put mascara in their beards.

When they tried to wipe it off later they just ended up with giant black marks all over their faces.

Party Tonight!

*Note: I always make students trade me for a calculator; otherwise, they never return.*

Student: "Can I trade you a cell phone for a calculator?"

Me: "Yup.  Sweet, now I am going to text all your friends, 'Party at my house tonight'"

Student: "You aren't funny."

Me: "I'm hilarious."

The Easy Way

*reviewing for proofs*

Studnet: "Why do we have to do things the hard way?  Can't we do this the easy way?"

Me: "Because the easy way isn't correct."

Student: "But don't you know that phrase?  Somethin' somethin' somethin' easy way.  I don't remember the phrase, but it has something about the easy way."

Me: "Did you use the easy way to learn that phrase?"

Student: "Uhhh, yeah!"

Friends

Field Trip

Today was the first day chaperoning a field trip with my students.  We toured a culinary school and then had lunch.  As we were leaving the manager of the fast food place came running out after us and said, "We have never had such a large group of teenagers (there were 42) leave our restaurant so clean!"

Everybody Has Problems

Student 1: "Hey, (Student 2)! Move your head.  I can't see the board."

Me: "Hey (Student 1), why don't you stand up?"

Student 1: "I can't, because my ankle is hurt."

Student 2: "I can't, because my head is too big."

How Dumb do You Think I Am?

If you miss a week of lectures covering how to write a proof I am not likely to believe you did your own work when you hand in a perfectly completed proof in under five minutes.

Serious Threats

Student 1: "Mr., __________ says he is going to dragon kick your heart out."

Me: "Wow, how would that work?  I am imagining you on fire as you are flying through the air.  Would my heart pop out the front or the back?"

Student 2: "It would pop out all over, and split into a million pieces."

Me: "Sweet! I am looking forward to this!"

The Problem With Knowing Math and Being a Smart-Ass

*Yup, thats a /facepalm*

The Joy of Using Chalk

I blue myself.  Now I have something of a mess on my hands.

Snack Time!

Two of my students have started selling candy and snacks to other students.  This isn't a random unplanned operation.  They have multiple lunch boxes organizing different types of of food, and now they have even started rolling around a backpack to carry the large volume of food they are selling.

Love Marks

Student 1: "Do you get in trouble if you come to school with hickeys?"

Student 2: "I come to school with hickeys all the time, and I never get in trouble."

Student 1: "Giving them to yourself doesn't count."

Get Pumped Up!

We are reviewing for a test today, and I noticed one of my students was listening to "Eye of the Tiger".  This student doesn't always do his work and I thought, "Yeah, he is getting into this! He is going to rock this test!"  Then he started listening to "I'll be Watching You" by The Police and I was immediately creeped out.

Speedbump!

Double Entendre

Student: "I am a submission specialist."

*Note: The student was talking about wrestling, but that doesn't change the meaning by much.*

Lunch On the Go

Me: "Are you are eating out of a frisbee?"

Student: "Yeah, you never done this?"

Me: "Nope.  Do you actually play frisbee, or do you just have a frisbee for eating?"

Student: "Naw, I just keep it for eatin'"

Me: "Is that why they call it fast food?"