Time for a break

Random student: "Man, this is bullshit."

Me: "Watch your language"

Student 1: "You don't cuss?"

Me: "No, I cuss.  There is a time and place for everything."

Student 1: "Wait, so you cuss at home?"

Me: "Like a sailor."


We are off for winter break.  See you all in two weeks.

Final Silliness: Part 2

*in the middle of our algebra 1 final*

Student: "So if I do 11 out of 22 problems is that good?"

Me: "Well it would be a 50% if you got everything right."

Student: ".....Damn"

Music

*One of my favorite hobbies is pretending I am older and more out of touch than I actually am*

Student (to another student):  "Man, how do you not know who Drake is?  Everyone knows who Drake is.  Mr. I'll bet you even know who Drake is."

Me: "Yeah, he is that dude singing about the thrift shop."

*Half the room though I was being serious.  The other half thought it was hilarious.*

I don't always give extra credit....

So this happened while grading finals today....

Final Silliness: Part 1

Male student: "Man, these black women are always trying to keep me down.  I'll bet you know all about that Mr."

Female student: "Man, he is white.  What the hell you talkin' about?"

Male student: "I know he is white, but he prolly knows all about having that black chick on his back."

Female student: "Will you be quiet so we can take our test?'

Male Student: "See what I am talking about Mr.?"

Me: "Just take your test..."

Finals

Today my students are taking their comprehensive final.  I allow them to have one full sheet of paper with whatever formulas and definitions that they want.  Before school started today I had a student come to me with a very special question.

Student: "Mr., you know the notes from this semester?  Do you have them?"

Me: "Do you mean the videos that we watched?"

Student: "No, the notes you put on the board."

Me: "No.  I erase those after you all write them down...."

Bag o' crazy

In an alternative school there are many students who appear suddenly and randomly and then disappear in a similar fashion.

We had one particular student who showed up on her first day with a grocery bag filled with at least 50 lighters.  When questioned she say, "In case I need one."

Several weeks later she started talking about being followed by unmarked vans.  She stopped showing up to school shortly after.  I heard that she had been picked up by the police and brought to an institution, but part of me still entertains the idea that she was correct.

Interwebz

Student 1: "I got 750 followers."

Student 2:  "Whatever, I got over 1000 followers."

Me: "Man, you guys are so cool.... on the internet."

Age

I had meetings all day today so here is one from last year.

Student: "Mr. ________ how old are you?"
Me: "Guess"
Student: "30?" 
Me: "Nope"
Student: "50?" 
Me: "No"
Student: "60?" 
Me: "...Yep, there it is."

Noodles

*on Friday*

Student: "Mr. I am going to try the noodle diet."

Me: "What is that?"

Student: "It is where you eat nothing but ramen noodles."

Me: "This sounds like a terrible idea.  I did that for a year in college; I would not recommend it."



*On Monday*

Student: "I was sick this weekend"

Me: "....What happened?"

Student: "Well I ate two packets of noodles for lunch on Friday and then three packets for dinner.  Then why I tried to eat on Saturday I was just sick."

Me: "...."

Sometimes we all just want to...

Student: "Mr. would I get in trouble if I smacked him right now?"

Me: *sigh* "Yes, you should probably wait until you are out of sight of any teachers."

Student: "Would you mind turning around?"

Anatomy

Every Wednesday I have a conversation with each of the people in my homeroom about their classes and what they need to be doing to make sure they are passing their classes.

Me: "You need to be passing biology.  This is required for graduation.  If you don't pass it now then you will have to take the class again."

Student (yelling): "Why do we need biology?  We know where the penis is!  We know where the dookie comes from!"

Time

Student: "Mr. does it ever feel like you are racing against time?  Like you just don't have any time to spare?"

Me: "That feeling never seems to stop."

This is wack!

Student: "Man, what kind of crack are you on today?!?"

Welcome Back

I have had a horrifying realization upon returning to school today.

Either I have gotten used to the smell of teenagers (and only notice it when I am away from them for several days), or I have multiple students who did not shower over our 5 day weekend.

One more from the archives

Student: "Multiplicative? That sounds like the name of a cheap hoe."

Delicious Delicious Math

"We can only combine like terms. If you get a double order of chicken you aren't going to get one order of chicken and one order of hot sauce"

Hang on to the calculators.

Since there is no school for the rest of this week I will be revisiting some events that happened last year.

*student drops a calculator on the floor*
Me: This is why we can't have nice things.
Student: I thought it was because we don't have any money.

Ain't nobody got time fo' that!

Student: "You know what I just noticed?  You never have a sub."

Me: "Yeah, even when I am sick I almost never take a day off."

I win

*I'm at the board giving lecture, and a student walks up in front of class."

Student: "Can I get a tissue?"

Me: "I'm out."

Student: "Can I go to the bathroom to get one?"

Me: "Can it wait until I am done up here?"

*The student then collapses on the floor*

Me: "I have finally done it!  I have managed to kill a student using nothing but math!  Thank you everyone.  My work here is done."

Erasers

Me: "With all the erasers chewed off of my pencils you would think that we don't feed you."

Student: "What, who eats erasers?"

Me: "Have you ever eaten an eraser?"

Student: "No"

Me: "Neither have I.  For all we know the could be delicious."

EVERYBODY is in ISS!

Towards the end of my first year a large group of students decided that they didn't want to go to class and refused to leave the cafeteria after breakfast in the morning.  With the school having only about 40-50 students that showed up regularly (with 80ish enrolled) this meant that a major percent of our school was involved.

Our principal decided to put everyone in ISS.  He came down to the cafeteria, separated everyone, and sat down there all day with them.  The strategy worked, no one ever tried that again, but it did mean that for one day I only saw five of my students.

Sometimes I would like a dull moment.

We have a student group of upperclassmen that work with the freshman to try and get them adjusted to being in high school.  Today three student came to talk to my homeroom.

We were trying to play a game in the hallway, but my students kept wandering off, not paying attention and (literally) screaming while flailing their arms.

Upperclassman: "How often are they like this?"
Me: "Always"
Upperclassman: "How do you deal with this?"
Me: "One day at a time..."

Schooled

It doesn't happen very often but every once and a while a student will notice something math related that I have never considered.  This is a good feeling.

Oh monday...

Signs you may not be ready for the work week:
Realizing that you have been using terms "Odd numbers" and "Even numbers" completely backwards for the past ten minutes while explaining a new concept.

Parents

Parent conferences are always a little awkward when the parent says to their child, "I would smack you across the mouth, but your teacher is standing right here."

Caret

For exponents in a calculator the symbol "^" is used.  This is called a caret, and is pronounced the same as carrot.  I had a student my first year who insisted on calling it "a crater" every time.

The Original Tablet

*A student is obviously watching a movie on a tablet borrowed from another student*

Me: "Close out the movie.  You need to work on your assignment."

Student: "Ok."

*Student fumbles around for a bit*

Student: "I don't know how to close this out."

Me: "Hold it above your head and shake it."

*Student starts shaking the tablet."

Student: "This isn't working."

Haters gonna hate

Student: "Uhhh, I got a negative number."
Me: "That's fine.  We can have negative numbers.  Don't hate on negative numbers."
Student: "I'm not hatin'.  Who would hate on negative numbers?"
Me: "Ancient Greeks."

Patience

Student: "Mr. the internet is being slow.  What should I do?"

Me: "Meditate on the sound of one hand clapping."

Student: "What?"

Me: "Or you could just roll your face on your keyboard.  I'm sure that would work too."

What Does the Burrito Say?

Student: "Mr.  this burrito says, 'Don't do drugs'"

Me: "Well if the burrito says so then we have to follow that advice."

The good ol' days

Things that I miss from my first year of teaching:

Write ups that say, "Monkeys in the zoo would be embarrassed by this behavior."

Teamwork

*Student 1 is sleeping in class*

Student 2: "You need to get your work done."

*Student 2 puts a pencil in student 1's hand and grabs student 1's hand in order to make him write on his assignment.*

*Student 1 offers no resistance*

Student : "Man, let go of my hand."

*Student 2 continues to write with student 1's hand and student 1 continues to let him.*

Get the Sawdust

Some days you have the energy to take on the world.

Some days you find a puddle of vomit outside your classroom after first hour.

These two things are not mutually exclusive.

Bust a Move

*Two students are watching an 80's movie in my room after school.*

Student: "Did you used to dance like that back in the day?"

Me: "I still dance like that."

Mr. Mom

Me to Student: "You whine a lot."

Student: "You sound like my mother."

Too late

Another story from my first year.

Student to me: "I am going to pull my phone out to call _______ and you better not take it."

*I eye the student suspiciously*

Student: "Shit, Ms. __________ already took it."

On Borrowing Pencils

If a student doesn't bring their supplies to class I will trade them for a pencil.  Most of the time people trade their student ID.  Now I have a desk full of ID's and no pencils.  New ID's cost $5 each....

Use the Force

Student: "Can you get me a book?"

*At this point I am all the way across the room from the text books.  I stretch out my arm as far as it will go.*

Me: "Sorry, I can't reach them."

Student: "Use the force.  Pull the book over here."

*I stretch out my arm again*

Me: "HGGGGGGNNNNN.  Nope, still can't get it.  Looks like you have to walk over there yourself."

Catch the snitches!

Student: "Mr. do you like snitches?"

Me: "Oh, I love quiddich!"

Student: "What? No, snitches."

Me: "Yeah, the snitch is the little golden ball that flies around that you have to catch to end the match."

Student: "...what?"

Me: "You know, in Harry Potter."

Birthdays

Student: "Is my birthday in two weeks?"

Me: "You don't know when your birthday is?"

Free time

One particular Friday my first year of teaching I decided to give some students some free time at the end of class and everyone is immediately drawn into their own little world on the internet.  A couple of the female students decide to play an online dress up game and when one of the boys in class he decides that he wants to play too.  I am already laughing to myself because I now have a thugged out boy basically playing with dolls in my classroom, but the ensuing conversation just made me lose it in front of everyone.

*The boy dresses up his character in fishnets, tall boots, and a tutu.*

Girl: "What the heck kind of an outfit is that?"

Boy (being completely serious): "Oh, it just sort of a nice going out outfit."

Girl: "She looks like a hooker.  Where is she supposed to be going out?"

Boy (Once again being completely serious): "Wherever, you know.  The movies, or maybe to the club."


*Lucky for me my students don't really pay attention to what I do because I'm pretty sure I was crying from laughing so hard.*

Dancing

Student: "I'm the best salsa dancer in (our city)"

Me: "What?"

Student: "Yeah, I was on American Idol."

Me: "American Idol is a singing show."

Student: "I lost."

Two Entirely Different Languages

Student: "Mr.,  you got a record?"

Me: "What?

Student: "You know...  A record."

*Side note, I play in a band.  We have put out two albums.*

Me: "I don't have a record.  I have two records."

Student: "What the heck do you do on the weekend?!?"

Me: "Mostly play music."

*It takes me about 15 minutes to realize what the student was actually asking at which point I go back and explain that I am not in fact a criminal.*

Crazy

Student: "I'm goin' crazy!"

Me: "I have been there for a while."

Student: "Probably about four years, right?"

Me: "Coincidentally that is how long I have been teaching."

Turtle Power!

Student 1: "Man they are the worst ninjas ever."

Me: "What the heck are you talking about?"

Student 1: "The Ninja Turtles"

Me: "Oh man, I love The Ninja Turtles!"

Student 2: "Thank you!"

Me: "Yeah, when Vanilla Ice showed up in the club it was AMAZING!"

Student 1: "No, just no...."


*Edit for those of you who don't get the reference*

Throwback Thursday: Bum edition

*Student 1 is asking other students for money so he can get some food from the vending machine.  No one gives him any money.*

Student 1: "Man, yall's some fuckin' bums! You ain't got no money!"

Me to student 2: "Did he really just call everyone bums because they wouldn't give him any money?"

At least someone understands me

Student: "Aww, look at you getting all sarcastic."

Me: "I'm just happy you can recognize my sarcasm.  Most people your age can't."

TuesdayTuesdayTUESDAY!!!

Student: "I'm selling my house Mr."

Me: "You flipping houses on the weekend?"

Student: "Only on Tuesdays."

It is too early for this ____

*Student walks in, closes door, and hangs on the doorknob*

Me: "What? Is someone chasing you?  You look like you are trying to lock someone out."

Student: "It's Charlie."

Me: "Who's Charlie?"

Student: "My imaginary friend."

Me:"...."

Grade Shutdown

Student: "I am going to be gone for the next two weeks.  Are you going to freeze my grade?"

Sleeper

My first year teaching we had one kid who did nothing but sleep all day.  At first I thought it was just my class, but apparently he slept in every class.  It was so bad that this kid had a permanent case of bed-head.  One day when we were doing state testing the regular bell system was turned off, and several of the teachers decided to conduct an experiment. We decided to not wake him up to change classes to see how long he would sleep.  He slept exactly to the moment lunch started, he went down and ate lunch, came back, and fell asleep to the end of the day.

Face of X

*Students are answering questions about functions*

Student 1: "Wait, what is this f(x)? Why isn't there a y?"
Me: "f is really the same thing as y."
Student 2: "Your face is the same thing as y."
Me: "Actually f stands for face."

Where The Bad Kids Go

Student: "What's that right there?"

Me: "That is an air conditioning vent."

Student: "Oh, that kinda looks like an animal cage.  Those kinda look like claw marks."

Me: "Well yeah.  I stuff the bad kids in the air conditioning vent."

Hats

Student: "There was this chick out in the hallway who was like, "Take off your hat."  Then I'm like, "No"  Then I say, "Ok." and take off my hat."

Me: "That's a great story.  You should tell it more often."

Dystopia

Student: "What is the deal with this government shutdown?"

*I try to explain what is going on and probably do a terrible job*

Student: "Man this is like some Hunger Games shit.  I know what I am going to do if this happens."

Me: "What?"

Student: "Run, and then hide in a tree.  Then I would kill somebody with some bees."

Consequences...

Tomorrow is the three year anniversary of this experience.

First a bit of backstory:  This particular student had been caught smoking pot the previous year.  He went to the Juvenile Detention Center (JDC) for the remained of the year.  Over the summer he started parole and was allowed to return to school in the fall.

Starting at the beginning of school I had this student twice a day.  Once second hour and then again right after lunch.  My second block class only had one other student at the time and he was generally focused and got his work done.  Forth block was an entirely different story.  He was distracted, goofy, and didn't get anything done.  Everyone knew he was smoking somewhere during lunch.  I had even held him after school to call him out and told him that if he got caught he would probably get kicked out of school.

Fast forward a few weeks. This student comes into second hour and asks to use the bathroom (In the trailer I had an attached bathroom) and wants to use the air freshener (not out of the ordinary since he had been having some issues with gas).  When he goes into the bathroom and I start explaining that day's lesson to the other student.  In the middle of my explanation I stop and start to smell the air. With the other student still in the room I start saying, "Wait... No... He can't be that stupid! ______ get out here right now!"

Their was a toilet flush and he walked out of the bathroom with bright red eyes.  I chewed him out for a bit before calling security.  Security came to check out the situation.  There was ash still on the floor, so there was no denying the fact that he had been smoking in my bathroom.  He was suspended that day and was sent back to JDC by the end of the week.

So about a month after starting my first teaching job I had managed to send a kid to jail.

Stay out of my bubble

I have a remarkable number of students this year who have no sense of personal space.  These students insist on talking to you about six inches from your face.  They also tend to be the students who need a shower.

Test Day

Yesterday was test day which means I got questions like this.

"Mr. I don't understand this because I haven't really been paying attention.  Do I have to take the test?"

Going to class...

Me: "Shouldn't you be in class?"
Student: "I don't have a class right now."
Me: "Where are you supposed to be?"
Student: "Wandering the halls trying to bust my ankle."

Snacks

Student: "Can I go wash out my eye?"
Me: "What did you do?"
Student: "I got a hot fry in my eye."
Me: "How are you eating those?"

Testing teachers

It seems like every new teacher is 'tested' by their students.  My test was a particularly interesting experience.  I was a skinny white kid working in an urban alternative school.  Many of my students were felons and most of them had spent time in the Juvenile Detention Center.  I was also out in a trailer separate from the main building, so I was cut off from most support.

A couple weeks into school I had two students start threatening to fight.  Desks started getting pushed out of the way and the students were starting to form a circle around the two guys.  I had been told to never jump in between two students because I could get seriously hurt, so I did the only thing that made sense.

Me: "Guys, take it out to the parking lot."
Everyone: "What?"
Me: "Seriously take it out to the parking lot, I don't want you breaking any of the computers in here.  I am going to call in security, but it will probably take them a couple of minutes to get down.  You guys will have plenty of time to get your blows in because I honestly don't expect your fight to last more than 30 seconds or so."
*The entire class is dead silent.  Most students have a look on their face that says, 'This white dude is fucking crazy!'"
Me: "Well if you aren't going to fight sit back down so we can learn some math."

I never had anyone try to fight in my room again for the rest of the year.

Rage

Student: "I don't know how to do this."
Me: "We did this yesterday.  Where are your notes?"
Student: "I threw them away."
Me: "What?"
Student: "Yeah, I throw all my notes away at the end of every day."
Me:"...."

Sometimes there are no words...

Two girls have been laughing hystarically for 2 straight minutes.  Every time I look at them they laugh harder.
Me: "You know, I keep looking at you to make sure you are still actually breathing."

The Best Policy

*A student is writing the answer to an example on the board*

Other Student: "This guy, he know what he is doing."
Me: "As opposed to..... you?"
Other Student: "Considering I wasn't paying attention and didn't try the problem, yeah."
Me: "Well at least you are honest."

Priorities

*Yesterday I had a student run out of my first block while projectile vomiting.  Luckily she grabbed the trash can.  Today she was at school again.*

Me: Why are you here?!?
Student:  We have a field trip today.  I'm not missing that.

Tornadoes

My first year in of teaching we had one wonderful spring day where we were in a tornado warning for three continuous hours.  The tornado shelter for our school was a single, tiny room in the basement.  Rather than be trapped with all of the students the teachers decided to stand outside in the parking lot.

Meetings

Student 1: "What do you guys do on Wednesdays?"
Me: "Meetings."
Student 1: "What do you talk about at these meetings?"
Student 2: "BULLSHIT!!!"

Mixed Nuts

Student: "I love cashew peanuts."
Me: "Which one cashews or peanuts? They aren't the same thing."
Student: "What do you mean?  The boxes always say cashews, peanuts."
Me: "Thats because it contains both cashews and peanuts."
Student: "You just blew my mind.  I will never think of peanuts and cashews as the same thing."

Allergies

Student 1: "How was your weekend Mr.?"
Me: "My allergies destroyed me."
Student 1: "You got destroyed?"
Student 2: "Did he say he spent all weekend doing drugs?  Mr. ________ doesn't do drugs."
Me: "Thats right I don't have the time or money to do drugs."

Awards

*At the end of the day*
Student 1: "C'mon man, there is only a minute left can't you let us go early?"
Me: "Nope"
Student 2: "Can't we just open the door?"
Me: "Nope.  You have to stay in class until the bell rings.  I'm the meanest teacher ever.  They should give me an award for being so mean.  At the awards ceremony I would say, 'It took a lot of work for me to be so mean.  I want to thank my fourth block class.  If it weren't for them I would never have made it this far.'"
Student 1: "Can you please just let us go?"
Me: "MEANEST TEACHER EVER!"
Student 2: "So, if the bell doesn't ring we would be stuck here all night?"
Me: "MEANEST TEACHER EVER!"

Sneaking away

My first year of teaching I worked out in a trailer separate from the main building.  Between classes I usually went outside (weather permitting) to make sure that people went between the two building properly.

*Two students try to sneak off behind the school most likely to go have sex*

*I yell at them to get to class and they reluctantly walk towards the school entrance* 

Other student just coming out of the building: "Why you comin' over here?  Did you forget a condom?"

Kids

Student: "Why are they so loud?"
Me: "Probably because they are freshman."

Stupid problems

Student 1: "Man, this problem is gay."
Me: "Pick a different word."
Student 1: "Man, this problem is stupid."
Student 2: "Wouldn't that be offensive to stupid people?"
Me: "Probably, but they wouldn't know."

Sunday Funday

*This takes place at the beginning of first hour on monday morning*

Student 1: "Ugggh, it is so bright in here."
Student 2: "Thats what happens when you drink too much."
Me: "You know, I was going to say something, but you beat me to it."

Snacks

Student: "Why do you get so much food from (the culinary arts class)?"
Me: "I'm pretty sure you all like me more when you aren't actually my students."

Throwback Thursdays!

Student: "Hey Mr., do doctors take bribes?"

Me, Myself, and I

Former Student: "Do you miss having me in class?"
Me: "Yeah, you were a lot of fun in class."
Former Student: "Yeah, I would miss me too."

Serious Business

*After a three day weekend*

Me: "Did anybody do anything fun this weekend?"

Student: "I did math at least once every day."

Me: "Oh, you did math almost as much as I did."

*Students laugh*

Me: "No, I am serious."

Follow the duck

During my first year of teaching my school was temporarily moved to the basement of a condemned mall.  Since this wasn't regularly used as a school (previously a day care) there was no bell system.  One of the science teachers had taken to running up and down the halls while blowing a duck call.

Private Lives

Student 1: "You go to church Mr.?"
Me: "No"
Student 1: "Why not?
Me: "Because I'm not religious."
Student 1: "Whats wrong with you?"
Student 2: "Dude, stay out of his business.  He ain't botherin' you."

Waffles

Student: "How come these dry ass waffles ain't got no syrup?"
Me: "If you guys had syrup you would make a mess everywhere."
Student: "We ain't no kids.  We can handle some syrup."

The Wambulance

*I give students time in class every day to start their assignments, and most people who work the whole time can usually finish before the end of class.*

Student: Mr. this is too much.  Can't we do fewer problems?
Me: Maybe you should complain more.
Student: C'mon, this is doin too much.

*In front of the whole class.*

Me: Shhhhhhhhhh, do you guys hear that?
Various students: What?
Me: I think I hear the wambulance.
First student: What's the wambulance?

*This is the worst possible thing he could of said.  Once again this is done in front of a class of 30 students*

Me: WAAAAAA!!!!! WAAAAA!!!!  Oh! I hear the wambulance!  WAAAA!!!  WAAAAA!!!  Here it comes down the hall.  Hurry, if you run outside I'm sure you could hop on!
Student:....

*The rest of the students reactions were a mixture between silent confusion and laughing hysterically.*

Summer 'vacation'

*student from last year*: "Hey Mr.  Hows it going?"
Me: "Good.  Did you have a good summer?"
Student: "I was locked up all summer."
Me: "That doesn't sound like a good summer."

Flirting

The preferred method of flirting for most high school students is to pelt the person with whatever object is laying around.  This could be anything from a pencil to a bag of animal crackers.

Throwback Thursday!

*The sounds of an obvious fight come from the hallway*
Student: "Is that a fight out there?"
Me: "Can't you hear them?  They are so excited about math."
*I stick my head outside to make sure the fight is getting broken up*
Me to my class: "They are all about the polynomials out there."

Rough day

Sometimes you have to take the bad with the good.  Not every day can be bright and happy.

This morning one of my students told me that her cousin had committed suicide and that she was going to be gone for several days to spend time with her family.  She also said that this was the second incident of gun related violence in her family in the last week as her sister's boyfriend had been shot and was recovering in the hospital.

While she was upset her main concern was for her daughter.  "How do I explain this to my baby girl?"

It is days like this that make me think, 'I may be older than you, but you act like much more of an adult.'

Brutal Honesty

Me: "I can never tell if you all don't get my jokes, you aren't paying attention, or you simply don't care."
Student: "Usually a combination of all three."

What's in a name?

I spent a significant period of time this weekend practicing the pronunciation of a particular student's name.  It was extremely rewarding when she told me I had said it correctly.

Handshakes

One of my students has informed me that "nobody" does the 'pound and explode' after a handshake anymore.  Everyone now does the 'snap' move instead.  He has been trying to get me to start snapping.  Instead I think I am going to make up a new move every time I see him.

Old Skool

Throwback Thursday!  This is from my first year of teaching during a two week period of sharing my math class with an art class.

*Students are listening to rap*
Other teacher: "Would you turn it down?!? I am trying to listen to Slayer."

Disappointment...

Student:  "Aww, Mr. you got NWA on your laptop?"
Me: "Yeah, go ahead and play some.  It is radio friendly by the way so there isn't any cussing."
Student: "...."

First day of school

This (school) year I have decided to start a blog full of the random and usually hilarious things that my students say in class.  For the most part I want to keep it focused simply on what the students are saying rather than me complaining or bringing politics into this.

From time to time I may put up an old quote when nothing of note has happened.  Here is a good one from a few years back.

Student: "Man, My weave itch"
Me: "I get that problem all the time."
Student: "Mr. you have a weave? Man that's crispy."