Gangsta Life

Student: "You like my drawing?"

Me: "What is it?"

Student: "Man, it's a gangsta."

Me: "With a big clown nose?"

Student: "You don't know nothin' about the gansta life."

Let it be known that if I am shot in the near future (two years ago) it was because I called a 'gangsta' a clown.

Zen Teaching

Me: "If you textbook is taking a while to load contemplate the sound of one hand clapping."

Superwoman

One of my students in spinning around in an office chair.

Student 1: "You are going to fall our of that chair."

Student 2: "I'm not going to fall; I'm a superstar."

Giiiiirrrrllll

Student 1: "Man, I'm not comin' to school no more.  We are done!"

Student 2: "Why not, they got free food here?"

Student 1: "Girl, I got food at home.  This school food be triflin'."

Patience

"No, I don't have your final graded an hour after you turned it in.  Go away."

Things You Shouldn't Say in Class

Student: "Does anyone have clean pee?  I need some clean urine.  Someone help me out.  I got $100 for some clean urine."

Class response: "...."

Vocabulary

Student (to another student): "You cuss a lot.  Do you have a high vocabulary?"

VHS

A few years back one of the supply cabinets was getting cleaned out and there were teaching materials being given away before they were going to be thrown away.  I found this gem in the pile.

Cookies!

*One of my collaborating teachers brought food to class.*

A Student walks up with a whole tray of cookies: "It's you and me Mr.  Lets take these cookies and run."

Me: "I'm an adult I can make a batch of cookies any time I want to."

*He looked so disappointed*

A First and Probably a Last

Since so many of my calculators 'wander off' I make students trade me something in order to use one.  When I get my calculator back I return what they traded me.  Most people will trade their student ID or sometimes their backpack.  Today I had someone trade me a handmade wooden cutting board.  I doubt that will ever happen again.

Monday

Student: "Fuck Monday"

* I couldn't agree more.*

Totes Adorbs!

Nothing gets a couple to move away from each other faster than a teacher exclaiming how cute they are

*A couple is starting to make out in the hallway.*

Me (yelling down the hallway):  "You guys wore matching shirts! That is so cute!  Did you guys call each other this morning to coordinate?"

*The students stare at me awkwardly and go in opposite directions.*

Green Team

*The Green Team is our environmental and recycling club.*

Student 1 (to Student 2): "Oh, you are on the green team.  Thats whats up." *puts hand up for a high five*

Student 2: "...."

Student 1: "You just going to leave me hanging?"

Student 2: "You have cooties."

Summer Weather

Student 1: "You know, I was going to wear a dress today, but it would have been too warm to wear with one of my sweaters."

Me: "I had the same problem this morning.  None of my sweaters were clean, and I didn't have anything else that matched my dress.  I decided to wear pants instead."

Student 1: "Hahaha"

Student 2: "You wear dresses Mr.?"

Is it the weekend?

The only thing worse than having to sit through a two hour all school assembly is having to help escort 20 students out halfway through.

Young Love

*Two students arguing in class; acting as if they are going to fight later*

Student 1: "Man, I'll go!  I'll meet you wherever you want!"

Student 2: "Whatever, you ain't gonna show."

Me: "Guys would you plan your date later?  The rest of us are trying to learn."