Let Down

Student: "Man, if I don't pass this final I am going to become a male stripper crack head prostitute.  I'm goin' to be livin' up under a bridge and stickin' needles in my veins, and shootin' up some crack."

Fan Club

*I tried to sneak into the back of another teacher's class to grab some papers that I printed*

Student 1: "Hey Mr. ________"

Student 2: "Hey Mr. ________"

Student 3: "Hey Mr. ________"

Student 4: "Hey Mr. ________"

Teacher: "Mr. _________, Did you know you were so popular?"

Me: "None of you all like me when you are in my class, I don't know why you think things have changed in the last 40 minutes."

Announcements

Someone forgot to hang up the phone after making announcements today, so the whole school heard a couple minutes of office conversation at the end of the day.

LOUD NOISES!

*Student making a high pitched screeching noise from the hall.*

Me: "What is wrong with people?"

Student: "It sounds like a dying horse."

Me: "How do you know what a dying horse sounds like?  What do you do in your spare time?"

Breakfast

Student: "Ewww, a bug!  Why we gotta be dealin' with bugs up in here?"

Me: "Well, if people did leave crumbs from their hot cheetos, we wouldn't have any issues with bugs."

Student: "....Man, thats cold."

Emo

I walked into the college math class to find one of my students sitting in a corner, taking a test, and quietly singing "Wake Me Up When September Ends."

Voice From Above

Intercom: "Could you send (student) to the office."

Me: "Sure thing."

Intercom: "(Student), could you sent them down?"

Me: "They are on their way."

Intercom: "Do you have (student) in your class?"

Whole class: "YES!"

Dad Jokes

Student: "Oh man, this dude is cold."

Me: "He should put on a jacket."

Student: "...No.  Just, no."

Smile and Nod

Student: "Man, your desk is a mess."

Me: "It is a microcosm for my entire existence."

Student: "What?"

No Skillz

Student: "...but white people always be like..."

*looks at me*

Student: "Oh, sorry."

Me: "No, keep going."

Student: "White people always be shootin' the basket ball like this."

*jumps in the air and flails her arms horribly*