One more from the archives

Student: "Multiplicative? That sounds like the name of a cheap hoe."

Delicious Delicious Math

"We can only combine like terms. If you get a double order of chicken you aren't going to get one order of chicken and one order of hot sauce"

Hang on to the calculators.

Since there is no school for the rest of this week I will be revisiting some events that happened last year.

*student drops a calculator on the floor*
Me: This is why we can't have nice things.
Student: I thought it was because we don't have any money.

Ain't nobody got time fo' that!

Student: "You know what I just noticed?  You never have a sub."

Me: "Yeah, even when I am sick I almost never take a day off."

I win

*I'm at the board giving lecture, and a student walks up in front of class."

Student: "Can I get a tissue?"

Me: "I'm out."

Student: "Can I go to the bathroom to get one?"

Me: "Can it wait until I am done up here?"

*The student then collapses on the floor*

Me: "I have finally done it!  I have managed to kill a student using nothing but math!  Thank you everyone.  My work here is done."

Erasers

Me: "With all the erasers chewed off of my pencils you would think that we don't feed you."

Student: "What, who eats erasers?"

Me: "Have you ever eaten an eraser?"

Student: "No"

Me: "Neither have I.  For all we know the could be delicious."

EVERYBODY is in ISS!

Towards the end of my first year a large group of students decided that they didn't want to go to class and refused to leave the cafeteria after breakfast in the morning.  With the school having only about 40-50 students that showed up regularly (with 80ish enrolled) this meant that a major percent of our school was involved.

Our principal decided to put everyone in ISS.  He came down to the cafeteria, separated everyone, and sat down there all day with them.  The strategy worked, no one ever tried that again, but it did mean that for one day I only saw five of my students.

Sometimes I would like a dull moment.

We have a student group of upperclassmen that work with the freshman to try and get them adjusted to being in high school.  Today three student came to talk to my homeroom.

We were trying to play a game in the hallway, but my students kept wandering off, not paying attention and (literally) screaming while flailing their arms.

Upperclassman: "How often are they like this?"
Me: "Always"
Upperclassman: "How do you deal with this?"
Me: "One day at a time..."

Schooled

It doesn't happen very often but every once and a while a student will notice something math related that I have never considered.  This is a good feeling.

Oh monday...

Signs you may not be ready for the work week:
Realizing that you have been using terms "Odd numbers" and "Even numbers" completely backwards for the past ten minutes while explaining a new concept.

Parents

Parent conferences are always a little awkward when the parent says to their child, "I would smack you across the mouth, but your teacher is standing right here."

Caret

For exponents in a calculator the symbol "^" is used.  This is called a caret, and is pronounced the same as carrot.  I had a student my first year who insisted on calling it "a crater" every time.

The Original Tablet

*A student is obviously watching a movie on a tablet borrowed from another student*

Me: "Close out the movie.  You need to work on your assignment."

Student: "Ok."

*Student fumbles around for a bit*

Student: "I don't know how to close this out."

Me: "Hold it above your head and shake it."

*Student starts shaking the tablet."

Student: "This isn't working."

Haters gonna hate

Student: "Uhhh, I got a negative number."
Me: "That's fine.  We can have negative numbers.  Don't hate on negative numbers."
Student: "I'm not hatin'.  Who would hate on negative numbers?"
Me: "Ancient Greeks."

Patience

Student: "Mr. the internet is being slow.  What should I do?"

Me: "Meditate on the sound of one hand clapping."

Student: "What?"

Me: "Or you could just roll your face on your keyboard.  I'm sure that would work too."

What Does the Burrito Say?

Student: "Mr.  this burrito says, 'Don't do drugs'"

Me: "Well if the burrito says so then we have to follow that advice."

The good ol' days

Things that I miss from my first year of teaching:

Write ups that say, "Monkeys in the zoo would be embarrassed by this behavior."

Teamwork

*Student 1 is sleeping in class*

Student 2: "You need to get your work done."

*Student 2 puts a pencil in student 1's hand and grabs student 1's hand in order to make him write on his assignment.*

*Student 1 offers no resistance*

Student : "Man, let go of my hand."

*Student 2 continues to write with student 1's hand and student 1 continues to let him.*

Get the Sawdust

Some days you have the energy to take on the world.

Some days you find a puddle of vomit outside your classroom after first hour.

These two things are not mutually exclusive.

Bust a Move

*Two students are watching an 80's movie in my room after school.*

Student: "Did you used to dance like that back in the day?"

Me: "I still dance like that."

Mr. Mom

Me to Student: "You whine a lot."

Student: "You sound like my mother."