Let Down

Student: "Man, if I don't pass this final I am going to become a male stripper crack head prostitute.  I'm goin' to be livin' up under a bridge and stickin' needles in my veins, and shootin' up some crack."

Fan Club

*I tried to sneak into the back of another teacher's class to grab some papers that I printed*

Student 1: "Hey Mr. ________"

Student 2: "Hey Mr. ________"

Student 3: "Hey Mr. ________"

Student 4: "Hey Mr. ________"

Teacher: "Mr. _________, Did you know you were so popular?"

Me: "None of you all like me when you are in my class, I don't know why you think things have changed in the last 40 minutes."

Announcements

Someone forgot to hang up the phone after making announcements today, so the whole school heard a couple minutes of office conversation at the end of the day.

LOUD NOISES!

*Student making a high pitched screeching noise from the hall.*

Me: "What is wrong with people?"

Student: "It sounds like a dying horse."

Me: "How do you know what a dying horse sounds like?  What do you do in your spare time?"

Breakfast

Student: "Ewww, a bug!  Why we gotta be dealin' with bugs up in here?"

Me: "Well, if people did leave crumbs from their hot cheetos, we wouldn't have any issues with bugs."

Student: "....Man, thats cold."

Emo

I walked into the college math class to find one of my students sitting in a corner, taking a test, and quietly singing "Wake Me Up When September Ends."

Voice From Above

Intercom: "Could you send (student) to the office."

Me: "Sure thing."

Intercom: "(Student), could you sent them down?"

Me: "They are on their way."

Intercom: "Do you have (student) in your class?"

Whole class: "YES!"

Dad Jokes

Student: "Oh man, this dude is cold."

Me: "He should put on a jacket."

Student: "...No.  Just, no."

Smile and Nod

Student: "Man, your desk is a mess."

Me: "It is a microcosm for my entire existence."

Student: "What?"

No Skillz

Student: "...but white people always be like..."

*looks at me*

Student: "Oh, sorry."

Me: "No, keep going."

Student: "White people always be shootin' the basket ball like this."

*jumps in the air and flails her arms horribly*

Smart

Announcement: "There is a CSI club meeting this afternoon.  If you want to learn more about what a Crime Scene Investigator does, then you should stop by."

Me: "I hear they investigate crime scenes."

Prepared

*Me passing out papers*

Student: "What is this?"

Me: "A test."

Student: "Oh, shit..."

What? Why?

Student: "What did I miss yesterday? I left early."

Me: "Left early?  You have my class first hour."

Busted

Student 1: "Where is your computer?"

Student 2: "Man, it's busted."

Student 1: "So thats why you aren't watching Netflix in class."

MIA Phone

Student: "Can I go get my phone."

Me: "Where is your phone?"

Student: "This boy has it."

Me: "And where is he?"

Student: "I don't know.  I need my phone.  I was going to ask Ms. (Principal)"

Me: "And what is Ms. (Principal) going to say when you say, 'I need my phone'?"

Student: "Well...."

Me: "Because I can think of a number of things she is going to say, but most of them aren't what you want to hear."

Fire!

A fire drill just went off in the middle of parent conferences.  All of the parents and teachers had to go outside while people figured out what was going on.

Loser

Student: "Why do you like teaching here?"

Me: "Because you all are way more interesting than (Neighboring district)."

Student: "Yeah, they are just a bunch of white kids that think they cool.  Were you a white kid thinkin' you cool?"

Me: "I never thought I was cool."

Fictional Conference.

Student: "This is the first time that my teachers haven't had anything bad to say during a parent conference."

Me: "Well I could make up some things if you want..."

Conferences

*Small child crying at parent conferences.*

Me: "That must be a rough conference.  It isn't even about him and he is crying."

Peer Review

*Student on phone*

Me: "Could you hang up your phone and work on your review sheet?"

Student 1: "Why you gotta do me like that?!?! I thought we were best friends!!?!"

Me: "No..."

Student 1: "Whaaaaaaat?  I bought your ticket to go see Madea yesterday!"

Me: "No..."

Student 1: "Ok, so it was Saturday, but you know we besties."

Student 2: "Are you still talking?"

Proper

Student 1 (to student 2): "Man, you are such an asshole."

Co-Teacher: "You can't call him an asshole."

Student 1 (to student 2): "You are nastier than a colon."

ROBOTEACHER

Student: "How do you laugh?"

Me: "I don't.  I never laugh."

Student: "Are you a robot?"

Best Learning

Teacher: "Ugh, I have to go to the worst meeting this afternoon. The presenters just stand their and talk at us for two hours and they get mad if we try and ask any questions."

Me: "Well yeah, that how you are supposed to teach.  I just shout information at my students and expect them to know everything.  Or have I been teaching wrong for the past seven years?"

Truth Bomb

Student: "Can you dance like James Brown?"

Me: "Nah."

Student: "Why not?"

Me: "Do you see how pasty white I am?"

Student: "That don't mean nothin'.  You can do anything if you put your mind to it."

Me: "I like the way you think."

Bright Light

Teacher: "I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm not sure if it is a train."

End of Quarter

Student: "Could I go get a drink of water?"

*heard from the hallway*

"I AIN'T FUCKIN' DEALIN' WITH HER BITCH ASS!!!"

*Door slams*

Me: "No, I don't think it's a good time for that."

Sound of Pain

There is construction happening in our building, and I don't know what they are doing, but it sounds exactly like a dentist's drill.

OWND

Student: "Why do we need to know math?  It isn't like the speed limit is going to be a math equation."

Me:

Names

Student 1: "Hey Mr. (wrong name), could I get some help?"

Me: "Well he is across the hall."

Student 1: "Oh shoot, sorry."

*5 min later*

Student 1: "Could I get some more help Mr. (other wrong name)?"

Me: "Are you just going to call me by the name of every other white guy in our school?"

Student 2: "Who you gonna call him next?"

Student 3: "Clearly Mr. (Other name) is next."

Ye Olden Times

"So Mr., your old, what old-timey things do you remember?"

Plug

*Student pushes my projector cart over to her desk and the cord unplugs from the wall.*

Me: "Where are you going with that?"

Student: "I'm going to plug in my laptop."

Me: "You know that isn't going to work if it isn't plugged into the wall?"

Student: "What? It has to be plugged in?"

Not a Morning Person

Student: "Isn't it true that you should be happy no matter how early in the morning it is?"

Me: "My wife might punch you for making such a statement."

Quizzy Land

Student: "Why do we have quizzes every day?  They shouldn't call this math class, they should call it Quizzy Land."

Me: "I'm going to make a banner for my door.  It is going to say 'Welcome to Quizzy Land!'  Everyone will know where they are from now on!"

Student"..."

The Jerk

Student: "Hey Mr., she just said that you white."

Me: "What?!? You mean I am going to stay like this?"

Improv

One of my students today was writing a one scene play for his acting class.  In one scene there was a plane crash, a voodoo witch and an anaconda.

Swag

*Student wearing a tuxedo shirt*

Me: "That's an awesome shirt."

Student: "That's because I'm awesome."

You Know Me

"Hey Mr., how do you eat your spaghetti?  And don't be playin like you don't know about spaghetti. We all know how you like to play."

Sugar High

"We can't hand out candy at every event.  Pretty soon we are going to be known as the diabetes club."

Wearing My Emotions

When your students tell you, "You don't look well" followed by acting uncharacteristically nice, then it is time to go home.

What? Where?

Student keep inviting me to their sports events, but no one ever remembers where they are or when they happen.  So helpful.

CLICKLCLICKCLICK!!!!

Teacher (to me): "I can tell when you are writing someone up because of the anger in your typing."

Party Time

Student 1: "Is it alright if I stay after school tomorrow?"

Student 2: "I'm staying after tomorrow too!"

Me: "We're going to have a party up in here! Woooo!"

Student 1: "Don't every say that again...."

Appropriate Response

Student 1 (to student 2): "Ugh, what are you wearing."

Student 2: *Middle finger*

Messy By Design

Student: "You should decorate your desk."

Me, pointing to large stacks of papers: "I have..."

It's hard out there for a chalkboard

Student: "Man, I need some chapstick.  My lips are as crusty as a chalkboard."

Me: "Don't be hatin' on my chalkboard."

Student: "Awww you know, even chalkboards have those days."

Time Traveler

**The bananas from breakfast were bright green**

Student: "Man, why is these bananas so damn green?"

Me: "They are bananas from the future."

Student: "What?"

Me: "Right now, you don't wan to eat them, but in a day or two they will be amazing."

Bust a Move

Student: "Hey Mr., you know how to dance?"

Me: "I only work under contract."

Breakfast of Champions

Student 1:  "Man, I can't be eating all this nutritional shit for breakfast.  I'm going to eat my chips..."

Student 2: "Why couldn't we have some Scooby Snacks.  I would have torn up some Scooby Snacks."

Urban Kids

Student 1: "When I graduate, are you all coming to my bonfire?"

Student 2: "What is a bonfire?"

Student 1: "It's like a pool party."

Toppings

There is an ongoing war in my 4th block class between those who believe pineapple goes on pizza and those that believe that pineapple should never be on pizza.  Both sides try to cover my chalk board with their propaganda by the time the bell rings.

Also, none of them can spell pineapple.

Welcome to the Jungle

I'm fairly certain that the courtyard in the center of our school didn't have its grass mowed all summer.  Now there is one guy with a weed whacker who has been out there for hours.

Humid

**The air conditioner was not on over the weekend and this happened first thing Monday morning.**

Student: "Why is it so damn musty up in here?"

Me: "Well it wasn't musty until you all arrived."

Presumption

This week we had the seniors talk to the freshman about how to be successful in high school.  One of the seniors introduced himself as "your future homecoming king."

Feed

Student: "Hey Mr., come be on my live feed."

Me: "I don't want to flood your feed with too many of my fans."

Tardy

Throwback

The last day of school always makes me reflect on previous last days.

Some years you end with a single student showing up to school.  He spent the entire day sleeping in the corner.

Other years have the school on lockdown.

This year has a roving band of girls with selfie sticks.

Dumb Questions

Student in the middle of a final: "Can I step outside and take this call?"

Wild Wild West.

I thought I saw a bug moving across my floor. It turned out to be a tumbleweave. 

Evaluatin' Like A Boss

Student: "Oh you know I'm a boss at math."

Oblivious

We are reviewing for our final and two of the guys in my first hour are working together.  The problem is both of them have their music turned up way too loud.  Every time they talk to each other they end up yelling.  "HEY, DUDE!  HOW DO YOU FACTOR THIS?"

The can't even hear the rest of us laughing.

Dat Frog

Sometime I get the most interesting pictures at the bottom of my tests.

Listen

Co-Teacher: "Should you be on your laptop?"

Student: "I already got it done..."

Co-Teacher: "You didn't answer my question."

Power Nap

After todays test, one of my students propped himself up in a corner and fell asleep.  A couple other students posed with him for a selfie.

Walking Meeting

As I am walking down the hall, one of my co-workers steps out of the break room and we start talking.  A student comes out another room and starts asking us about some math problems as we continue to walk.

Co-worker: "I think we just walked into an Aaron Sorkin show."

Mo' Money Mo' Problems

Student: "Why don't you teach summer school?"

Me: "I want to enjoy my summer."

Student: "But you work, then you can get more money."

Me: "True, but at some point you start to value time more than money.  What is the point of having all that money if you don't have any free time?"

Student: "Yeah, but if you have kids, you can work for them."

Me: "That is true, but I don't have any kids."

Student: "Sounds like you should have a kid."

Me: "Oh yeah, great idea.  I should be working more and spending more money.  Might as well have a kid to make up the difference."

Breakfast of Champions

One of my students just walked into class over an hour late with a bag full of corn dogs.  I'm more confused than anything else.

Excused Absence

*Student walks up to me wearing a suit*

Me: "What's with the getup?"

Student: "I have court today.  I'm going to get locked up, and I wanted to let you know that I won't be in second block."

Girl Power

Student: "Why is even called 'Scooby Doo'?  They should call the show 'Velma'.  She is the only one that actually does anything."

Great Job Bro

Two of my students have started high fiving each other at the end of every section of the state assessment exam.

Math Style

Math Teacher: "If you are a math teacher, no one really cares how your clothes look.  And everyone expects you to be covered in chalk."

Me: "I love that you looked directly at me just as you said the chalk comment."

Winter is Coming

Student: "Wait, so you hand out different versions of the same test without telling us?!?"

Me: "Oh you sweet summer child."

Crafts

Student: "Man, If we had a real intruder, you know I would be jumpin' out this window."

Me: "Jumping out a third story window is never a good idea."

Student: "I'm goin' to get my arts and crafts on, and make me a parachute first."

Follow the Rules

One of my coworkers wrote a test based off of the exact wording of our district's math standards; just to prove a point. Like a poorly written recipe, it turned out bland and overly simplistic.

Coincidence? Hopefully.

Student 1: "Do you drink tea?"

Me: "Yeah, I drink a lot of hot tea."

Student 1: "I have never head hot tea before."

Me: "When I get sick, I like to drink tea with lemon and honey."

Student 2: "...and whiskey"

**It's like he was reading my damn mind!**

Goals

Student: "You sound like Dumbledore"

Me: "I'm going to take that as a compliment."

Avoidance

Student: "If I die, do I have to take the test on Friday?"

Me: "I have never made a dead person take a test."

Mad Skillz

Me: "I can't throw anything sports related, but I can land a stack of post-it notes half way across my class with reasonable accuracy."

Math is Sexy

**Male student sprays himself with cologne**

Me: "Who are you trying to impress here in math class?"

Student: "Math"

Base Tan

*Student has a blue plastic bottle on his desk*

Me: "Is that sunscreen?"

Student of the darkest complexion: "What?  No, it is way too late for me."

Pay Attention

Me: "If you ask me, 'what are we doing today?' on the day of a test, then I am going to assume that you aren't going to do well."

Alternative Income

Student: "Is there any way that I could pay you some money, and you have me just pass this class?"

Me: "You can't afford me."

*Student takes out wallet* "How much we talkin' here?"

Me: "Well, I am probably going to lose my job if I start taking bribes.  I make about _________ a year, so we can start negotiations there."

*Student puts his wallet away and goes back to taking his quiz*

Easy Sunday

*I walk into my closet and a student follows me.*

Student: "Are you having an adventure?"

Me: "No, I'm just grabbing supplies."

Student: "So there isn't a door to Narnia back here?"

Me: "If there were a door to Narnia, I would disappear a lot more often."

Hell of a Start

*First conversation in the office this morning*

Principal: "You can't come into school wearing a tank top with a marijuana leaf on the front."

Student: "I didn't know that I couldn't wear a tank top."

Time is Relative

Me: "Oh, the clock never got switched over from daylight savings time."

Student: "I thought all the clocks in the school were connected."

Me: "The only thing this clock is connected to is a double A battery."

Questing

Co-Teacher: "I'm sending someone to the bathroom."

Me to Student: "Don't get lost.  If you find a ring that turns you invisible, just leave it there.  Don't pick it up."

I'm Here With a Message...

*Students are getting ready to watch one of my instructional videos*

Student: "What message from 2013 do you have for us today?"

Break

Me: "I am leaving in exactly five minutes.  If you wan't something graded before I leave, then you should probably turn in it now."

Happy Spring Break!

Subjective value

**One of my students tried to trade me a pack of Midol for a calculator**

Me: "I need something valuable for my calculator."

Student: "Oh this IS valuable."

Me: "But not to me...."

Celebration

Me: "Good morning."

Student: "Happy Hanukkah!"

Me: "You are a few months late."

Fake-out

*Student 1 gets his computer to play a noise that sounds like our school bell.  I give him a look that shows I know what he is doing.*

Student 2 takes off his headphones: Is that the bell?

Post Awards Show

Students looking through IMDB: "Man, all these white dudes look the same."

Hello Weekend

*yelling from the hallway at the end of Friday*

Student: "MAN, THIS IS WHY I HATE THIS FUCKIN' SCHOOL!!!"

Teacher 1: "No, you don't."

Teacher 2: "Happy Friday...."

The Sound of Pain

We have automatic bells that ring to change classes, and being an old building these are actual bells instead of digital.  There are a few places in the school where the bells have worn out and all you hear is metal grinding on metal.

Dream On

Student: "When are we ever going to use this?"

Me: "Probably about the time you want to pass this class and graduate."

Student: "No, I mean in real life?"

Me: "Do you mean that this isn't real life?  Have I been dreaming this entire time?!?  SOMEONE WAKE ME UP!"

Supplies

Student 1: "I got two burritos in my bag."

Student 2: "..."

Student 1: "I'm not even joking."  *pulls two burritos out of his bag.*

Smarties?

One of my students is trying to eat a package of smarties without taking them out of the wrapper.

Fightin' Words

Me: "There are four problems on today's quiz.  Three of them are the special cases that we saw on Tuesday.  One of them is just a traditional problem, but I'm not going to tell you which one it is."

Student: "Oh, we about to fight today."

A Little Help From My Friends

This was posted inside the door to the boys bathroom.

Classroom Tag

Tit for Tat

Student: "Isn't it fun when I contradict you?"

Me: "No, it isn't"

Student: "Well, it's a ton of fun for me.  It should be fun for you too."

Me: "Actually I was just contradicting you there."

Student: "...."

So Bland

Students playing Catchphrase

Student 1: "White people eat a lot of it."

Student 2: "Kale!"

Wasting Time

One of my students is wanting to start her assignment, but her laptop died after spending all of class on youtube.  Now she is wanting me to look up her assignment for her.  Rather than asking the person in front of her for the assignment or to borrow a charger she is turning through the pages of the entire book (not using the table of contents or index) to try and find something related to what we did in class.

Bad Time for a Nap

My principal was observing my class today and she sat down next to a student that was fast asleep.  When he woke up he jumped about a foot out of his seat.

Meta

Student: "Hey teacher, I'm going to the bathroom."

Me: "Hey student, don't be late."

The Function Slide

Me: "Because of this minus two, our function is going to move two spaces to the right."

Student: "Two hops this time!"

What Day Is It?

Me: "Your quiz won't be until thursday because I want you to have the same amount of time as my other classes."

Student: "What are you talking about?  Today is Monday."

Me: "No, today is Tuesday."

Student: "We didn't have school yesterday?"

Me: "No, it was martin Luther King Day.  Did you show up to school yesterday?"

Basic Supplies

"Hey, we managed to save a bunch of money on notebook paper!"

Lottery

Every time the powerball gets big I like to run some comparison numbers.

If each student has a 50% chance of following directions, then a 25 person class will have everyone following directions the first time with the same frequency as winning the powerball.

Repeating directions five times will have all of your class following directions about half of the time.

I think this explains so much about teaching.....

Effort

Co-Teacher: "Why don't you ask Mr.______________ for help?"

Student: "He doesn't care about me."

Me: "I care as much as you do."

Co-Teacher (to student): "Do you care about this class?"

Student: "Maybe a little bit."

B.I.N.G.O.

*Student is quietly taking a test*

Student: "AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O!!!"

*Student goes back to being completely silent.*

Consolation Prize

"No, I won't let you make up your Final, but you can have this candy cane if it makes you feel better."

Small World

Student 1: "Aww man I'm about to get with with girl."

Student 2: "Who is she?"

Student 1: "________ she goes to _________"

Student 2: "....what's her last name?"

Student 1: "________"

Student 2: "That's my younger sister!  She's only thirteen!  Imma beat your ass!"

Athletic Ability

Key Feature

Student: "What?!? No Dimples?  Where are his dimples?  I do not appreciate this picture's lack of dimples!"

Euphemism

Student returns to class after an unusually long time in the bathroom

Student: *points to her weave* "I had to get some grease in my hedge."