Candyland

Student: "Mr., can you check my answer?"

*Note: The answer should be 'If ice forms on the sidewalk then it is cold outside.'*

Me: "I'm not sure where you live, but I wan't to live in a place where ice cream forms on the sidewalk."

J. Beebs

"Man, you don't know nothin' bout that Justin Bieber.  Than n___a goes hard."

DON'T PANIC

Conditional Statements

Me: "How can we turn 'Thanksgiving in the United States falls on the fourth Thursday of November' into an if/then statement."

Student: "If Thanksgiving in the United states falls on the fourth Thursday of November then...."

Me: "We ran out of information there.  The 'then' needs to be in the middle.  It needs to break our statement in two."

Student: "If Thanksgiving in the United States, then falls on the fourth Thursday of November."

Me: "That isn't a sentence."

Student: "If Thanksgiving then the United States falls on the fourth Thursday of November."

Me: "The United States doesn't fall on the fourth Thursday of November."

Student: "If it is Thanksgiving in the United States then it is the fourth Thursday of November."

Me: "Yes, now right that down."

Student: "Wait, what did I just say?"

The Worst Kind of Snack

Student: "Hey Mr., you ever had poop cookies?"

Me: "That sounds disgusting."

Student: "Aww no, they are great.  They have all that white stuff on top."

Me: "You aren't making it sound any better.

Triangles are My Favorite Shape...

Student: "Man whats with all these triangles?"

Me: "You got a problem with three sided shapes?"

Student: "What if I do?  What you gonna do about it?"

Me: "Draw a four sided shape."

Throw Back Conferences

Conferences my first year were sparse to say the least.  Alternative schools are not usually know for their parent involvement.  In a whole day of conferences we saw two parents total.  Two parents. For the whole school.  Teachers got so desperate for something to do that when a parent showed up EVERY teacher, regardless of whether or not they had the student in class, came to the conference.

Parents

In honor of the start of parent/teacher conferences this week here are some of the parents that I see at EVERY parent/teacher conference session.

There are always free cookies.

Warning Signs

You can always tell that someone is serious about fighting when they start taking of their jewelry and/or glasses.

All I wanted to do was to give a quiz and have a nice relaxing day.

Visual Learners

Me: "So, in our formula 'h' is the final height."

Student: "How do we know the final height? There aren't any more numbers."

Me: "Well our problem says the ball hits the ground.  What is the height of the ground?"

Student: "What? One?"

*I lay down on the floor*

Me: "How high am I off the ground?"

Student: "Zero?"

Me *still on the ground*: "Yaaay!"

Car insurance

Student: "I'm 'bout to turn sixteen.  I can't wait to drive."

Me: "Well you need to make sure you have a drivers license and insurance before you start driving."

Student: "Whatever I have been having insurance since I was a little kid."

Me: "Car insurance?"

Student: "....Uhhh.  Yeah.  Back in the day I got my big-wheel insured. "

Injury

Student: "This dude was about to fight this other dude on crutches, and the dude on crutches dropped them and ran off.  So, I'm like, 'Damn, what the hell he need those crutches for?'"

Screaming Match

Got to Hustle!

Student: "After breakfast I managed to grab a whole bunch of those Honey Buns."

Me: "You must have been hungry, those things are gross."

Student: "Well, I was going to hustle them, but then I got hungry."

Prizes!

Student 1: "My shoes are cleaner than yours.  I have had these for two years and I never have to clean them."

Student 2: "Do you want a biscuit? Maybe a cookie?"

Fast Feet

*Student is kicking a ball of paper around like a soccer ball.  He kicks it past me and spins around the other side.*

Student: "Ohhh! I juked you!"

*student runs into a desk while looking at me.*

End of the Quarter

Me: "We need to go over the bellwork, and then we will start our test."

Student: "We have a test today?!?!"

Me: "Yes, I have been talking about it every day for the last week."

Student: "Can I take it tomorrow?"

Me: "No"

Student: "What do you mean no?"

Me: "I mean that you have to take the test today.  Today is also the last day to do any make up tests after school."

Student: "What?!?  When did this happen?"

Me: "Once again, I have mentioned this in class every day for the last week.  I also sent you an email with this information."

Professional Development

Prius

Giant football player: "I'm 16 I can drive now."

Student 2: "What do you drive?"

GFP: "A prius."

Student 2: "How do you even fit in there?"

Sleep Aid

Student: "I call my fists 'NyQuil' and 'Lullaby'"

The Highest of Compliments

Female Student: "Girl, you look good."

Transgender Student: "Thanks!"

Female Student: "No, really! You look better than most girls in this school."

WeeFee

Student: "What's up with the wee-fee today?  Nothing works."

Me: "Do you mean wi-fi?"

Student: "Yeah, but we call it wee-fee."

My Two Dimensional World

I am proud to announce that I am going to begin illustrating my blog once a week on Wednesdays!  My illustrations are based of of the book Flatland by Edwin Abbott.  Now I can share my terrible handwriting with the whole internet.

Let's have everyone introduce themselves.