Daytime TV

*Students looking at Facebook*

Student: "This girl, she is the second girl I know to be on Jerry Springer..."

Book Book

Student: "Mr., the online textbook wont load."

*I hand him a physical textbook*

Me: "Try this one.  It loads instantly, and everything is in HD.  No matter how fast you turn the pages there is no load time."

Student: "..."

Redemption

At the end of yesterday I was completely stressed out about students acting like jerks, but my last class of the day completely redeemed themselves.

One of my students in the class is out and obviously flamboyant in the way he acts.  He is also  about 6'4", so he tends to stand out.  Yesterday he arrived late and dressed completely as a woman.  No one batted an eye.  Most students didn't even look liked they noticed, but once we stared with our time for the daily assignment a few of the girls went over to compliment him on his first weave.

Sometimes teenagers can surprise you for the best.

The Real Halftime Show

Student 1: "Who is the football team playing this weekend?"

Student 2: "(Rival School)"

Student 1: "Oh hell yeah!  There always be hella fights when we play (Rival School)!"

Narcolepsy

*As I am walking around one of my classes one of my students stops what he is doing and puts his head down every time I walk by.*

Me: "You ok?  Every time I walk by you fall asleep.  You could have narcolepsy."

Pickles....

Random question for the day: "Mr., do you have any pickles?"

The Limit as Sleep Approaches Distraction

Normally I don't wake people when they fall asleep during a test or a quiz; students should be responsible enough to do that on their own.  Once someone starts snoring all bets are off.

Thug Life

Student: "Mr., are you a thug."

Me: "You know it.  I'm the biggest math thug their is."

Student: "Did the thug life choose you?"

Me: "I don't think you are allowed to choose the thug life."

Dude....

*In a professional development meeting*

Teacher: "What should I do if a student challenges my authority?"

Me: "Have you used the phrase, 'Cool story bro.'?"

Lookin' Good for Lunchtime

Student: "It is too cold in this building."

*pulls her arms in from her sleeves into her hoodie*

Student: "I'm just going to go around school like this."

*10 min later*

Student: "Somebody brush my hair.  I can't go to lunch with it looking raggedy."

Truth

We played monopoly this week and the money they started off with was a loan.  Every time they went around the board they had to make a loan payment and whatever was left over gained 5% interest.  I then asked them a series of questions including "Did you pay the minimum amount or more?  Why?"  Best response, "I payed the minimum because I was poor."

Goldfinger

One of my students just walked into class wearing a metallic gold suit with matching shoes.  If school policy allowed him to wear a hat I'm sure he would have one that matched.

Dancing Bears

Life lesson for the day: Dancing in public is like running from a bear.  You don't have to be the best, just don't be the worst.

Those Hands

Student: "My hands is bisexual."

Me: "What? I don't think that means what you think it means."

Student: "My hands is bisexual.  They smack both men and women."

Me: "That really doesn't mean what you think it means."

Pep Assembly

"We don't need cheerleaders for a pep assembly.  The whole thing is really just a bunch of noise.  All we need is a bunch of kids to be loud."

Reign of Terror

It has taken a few years, but I'm pretty sure my lesson on exponential growth and credit card debt strikes fear into the hearts of students.

Not a Trashcan

Every time I take I day off work I dread what I am going to find when I return.  Today I found my water bottle had been stuffed with used kleenexes.

SPOARTZ!!!

Student: "Who was that quarterback for The Chiefs a few years ago who sucked?"

Me: "That isn't very descriptive"

Resume

*We were working on creating resumes in my home room this week*

Student: "Man, I don't want to do this; it is stupid."

Me: "What?  You are going to need this if you want to get a job."

Student: "I'm not going to get a job.  Ever."

Me: "..."

Student: "Yeah, I'm going to be a bum!"

Me: "What?  Are you going to live in a van down by the river?"

Student: "No, I'm going to live by the lake."

Clash of Clans

Student 1: "Mr., do you play Clash of Clans?"

Me: "Yeah"

Student 1: "What level are you?"

Me: "Nine, I think."

Student 1: "What?  Thats all?"

Student 2: "Yeah, he probably has a life."