Going to class...

Me: "Shouldn't you be in class?"
Student: "I don't have a class right now."
Me: "Where are you supposed to be?"
Student: "Wandering the halls trying to bust my ankle."

Snacks

Student: "Can I go wash out my eye?"
Me: "What did you do?"
Student: "I got a hot fry in my eye."
Me: "How are you eating those?"

Testing teachers

It seems like every new teacher is 'tested' by their students.  My test was a particularly interesting experience.  I was a skinny white kid working in an urban alternative school.  Many of my students were felons and most of them had spent time in the Juvenile Detention Center.  I was also out in a trailer separate from the main building, so I was cut off from most support.

A couple weeks into school I had two students start threatening to fight.  Desks started getting pushed out of the way and the students were starting to form a circle around the two guys.  I had been told to never jump in between two students because I could get seriously hurt, so I did the only thing that made sense.

Me: "Guys, take it out to the parking lot."
Everyone: "What?"
Me: "Seriously take it out to the parking lot, I don't want you breaking any of the computers in here.  I am going to call in security, but it will probably take them a couple of minutes to get down.  You guys will have plenty of time to get your blows in because I honestly don't expect your fight to last more than 30 seconds or so."
*The entire class is dead silent.  Most students have a look on their face that says, 'This white dude is fucking crazy!'"
Me: "Well if you aren't going to fight sit back down so we can learn some math."

I never had anyone try to fight in my room again for the rest of the year.

Rage

Student: "I don't know how to do this."
Me: "We did this yesterday.  Where are your notes?"
Student: "I threw them away."
Me: "What?"
Student: "Yeah, I throw all my notes away at the end of every day."
Me:"...."

Sometimes there are no words...

Two girls have been laughing hystarically for 2 straight minutes.  Every time I look at them they laugh harder.
Me: "You know, I keep looking at you to make sure you are still actually breathing."

The Best Policy

*A student is writing the answer to an example on the board*

Other Student: "This guy, he know what he is doing."
Me: "As opposed to..... you?"
Other Student: "Considering I wasn't paying attention and didn't try the problem, yeah."
Me: "Well at least you are honest."

Priorities

*Yesterday I had a student run out of my first block while projectile vomiting.  Luckily she grabbed the trash can.  Today she was at school again.*

Me: Why are you here?!?
Student:  We have a field trip today.  I'm not missing that.