Patience

Student: "Mr. the internet is being slow.  What should I do?"

Me: "Meditate on the sound of one hand clapping."

Student: "What?"

Me: "Or you could just roll your face on your keyboard.  I'm sure that would work too."

What Does the Burrito Say?

Student: "Mr.  this burrito says, 'Don't do drugs'"

Me: "Well if the burrito says so then we have to follow that advice."

The good ol' days

Things that I miss from my first year of teaching:

Write ups that say, "Monkeys in the zoo would be embarrassed by this behavior."

Teamwork

*Student 1 is sleeping in class*

Student 2: "You need to get your work done."

*Student 2 puts a pencil in student 1's hand and grabs student 1's hand in order to make him write on his assignment.*

*Student 1 offers no resistance*

Student : "Man, let go of my hand."

*Student 2 continues to write with student 1's hand and student 1 continues to let him.*

Get the Sawdust

Some days you have the energy to take on the world.

Some days you find a puddle of vomit outside your classroom after first hour.

These two things are not mutually exclusive.

Bust a Move

*Two students are watching an 80's movie in my room after school.*

Student: "Did you used to dance like that back in the day?"

Me: "I still dance like that."

Mr. Mom

Me to Student: "You whine a lot."

Student: "You sound like my mother."