Alternative Income

Student: "Is there any way that I could pay you some money, and you have me just pass this class?"

Me: "You can't afford me."

*Student takes out wallet* "How much we talkin' here?"

Me: "Well, I am probably going to lose my job if I start taking bribes.  I make about _________ a year, so we can start negotiations there."

*Student puts his wallet away and goes back to taking his quiz*

Easy Sunday

*I walk into my closet and a student follows me.*

Student: "Are you having an adventure?"

Me: "No, I'm just grabbing supplies."

Student: "So there isn't a door to Narnia back here?"

Me: "If there were a door to Narnia, I would disappear a lot more often."

Hell of a Start

*First conversation in the office this morning*

Principal: "You can't come into school wearing a tank top with a marijuana leaf on the front."

Student: "I didn't know that I couldn't wear a tank top."

Time is Relative

Me: "Oh, the clock never got switched over from daylight savings time."

Student: "I thought all the clocks in the school were connected."

Me: "The only thing this clock is connected to is a double A battery."

Questing

Co-Teacher: "I'm sending someone to the bathroom."

Me to Student: "Don't get lost.  If you find a ring that turns you invisible, just leave it there.  Don't pick it up."

I'm Here With a Message...

*Students are getting ready to watch one of my instructional videos*

Student: "What message from 2013 do you have for us today?"

Break

Me: "I am leaving in exactly five minutes.  If you wan't something graded before I leave, then you should probably turn in it now."

Happy Spring Break!

Subjective value

**One of my students tried to trade me a pack of Midol for a calculator**

Me: "I need something valuable for my calculator."

Student: "Oh this IS valuable."

Me: "But not to me...."

Celebration

Me: "Good morning."

Student: "Happy Hanukkah!"

Me: "You are a few months late."

Fake-out

*Student 1 gets his computer to play a noise that sounds like our school bell.  I give him a look that shows I know what he is doing.*

Student 2 takes off his headphones: Is that the bell?

Post Awards Show

Students looking through IMDB: "Man, all these white dudes look the same."