Going to class...

Me: "Shouldn't you be in class?"
Student: "I don't have a class right now."
Me: "Where are you supposed to be?"
Student: "Wandering the halls trying to bust my ankle."

Snacks

Student: "Can I go wash out my eye?"
Me: "What did you do?"
Student: "I got a hot fry in my eye."
Me: "How are you eating those?"

Testing teachers

It seems like every new teacher is 'tested' by their students.  My test was a particularly interesting experience.  I was a skinny white kid working in an urban alternative school.  Many of my students were felons and most of them had spent time in the Juvenile Detention Center.  I was also out in a trailer separate from the main building, so I was cut off from most support.

A couple weeks into school I had two students start threatening to fight.  Desks started getting pushed out of the way and the students were starting to form a circle around the two guys.  I had been told to never jump in between two students because I could get seriously hurt, so I did the only thing that made sense.

Me: "Guys, take it out to the parking lot."
Everyone: "What?"
Me: "Seriously take it out to the parking lot, I don't want you breaking any of the computers in here.  I am going to call in security, but it will probably take them a couple of minutes to get down.  You guys will have plenty of time to get your blows in because I honestly don't expect your fight to last more than 30 seconds or so."
*The entire class is dead silent.  Most students have a look on their face that says, 'This white dude is fucking crazy!'"
Me: "Well if you aren't going to fight sit back down so we can learn some math."

I never had anyone try to fight in my room again for the rest of the year.

Rage

Student: "I don't know how to do this."
Me: "We did this yesterday.  Where are your notes?"
Student: "I threw them away."
Me: "What?"
Student: "Yeah, I throw all my notes away at the end of every day."
Me:"...."

Sometimes there are no words...

Two girls have been laughing hystarically for 2 straight minutes.  Every time I look at them they laugh harder.
Me: "You know, I keep looking at you to make sure you are still actually breathing."

The Best Policy

*A student is writing the answer to an example on the board*

Other Student: "This guy, he know what he is doing."
Me: "As opposed to..... you?"
Other Student: "Considering I wasn't paying attention and didn't try the problem, yeah."
Me: "Well at least you are honest."

Priorities

*Yesterday I had a student run out of my first block while projectile vomiting.  Luckily she grabbed the trash can.  Today she was at school again.*

Me: Why are you here?!?
Student:  We have a field trip today.  I'm not missing that.

Tornadoes

My first year in of teaching we had one wonderful spring day where we were in a tornado warning for three continuous hours.  The tornado shelter for our school was a single, tiny room in the basement.  Rather than be trapped with all of the students the teachers decided to stand outside in the parking lot.

Meetings

Student 1: "What do you guys do on Wednesdays?"
Me: "Meetings."
Student 1: "What do you talk about at these meetings?"
Student 2: "BULLSHIT!!!"

Mixed Nuts

Student: "I love cashew peanuts."
Me: "Which one cashews or peanuts? They aren't the same thing."
Student: "What do you mean?  The boxes always say cashews, peanuts."
Me: "Thats because it contains both cashews and peanuts."
Student: "You just blew my mind.  I will never think of peanuts and cashews as the same thing."

Allergies

Student 1: "How was your weekend Mr.?"
Me: "My allergies destroyed me."
Student 1: "You got destroyed?"
Student 2: "Did he say he spent all weekend doing drugs?  Mr. ________ doesn't do drugs."
Me: "Thats right I don't have the time or money to do drugs."

Awards

*At the end of the day*
Student 1: "C'mon man, there is only a minute left can't you let us go early?"
Me: "Nope"
Student 2: "Can't we just open the door?"
Me: "Nope.  You have to stay in class until the bell rings.  I'm the meanest teacher ever.  They should give me an award for being so mean.  At the awards ceremony I would say, 'It took a lot of work for me to be so mean.  I want to thank my fourth block class.  If it weren't for them I would never have made it this far.'"
Student 1: "Can you please just let us go?"
Me: "MEANEST TEACHER EVER!"
Student 2: "So, if the bell doesn't ring we would be stuck here all night?"
Me: "MEANEST TEACHER EVER!"

Sneaking away

My first year of teaching I worked out in a trailer separate from the main building.  Between classes I usually went outside (weather permitting) to make sure that people went between the two building properly.

*Two students try to sneak off behind the school most likely to go have sex*

*I yell at them to get to class and they reluctantly walk towards the school entrance* 

Other student just coming out of the building: "Why you comin' over here?  Did you forget a condom?"

Kids

Student: "Why are they so loud?"
Me: "Probably because they are freshman."

Stupid problems

Student 1: "Man, this problem is gay."
Me: "Pick a different word."
Student 1: "Man, this problem is stupid."
Student 2: "Wouldn't that be offensive to stupid people?"
Me: "Probably, but they wouldn't know."

Sunday Funday

*This takes place at the beginning of first hour on monday morning*

Student 1: "Ugggh, it is so bright in here."
Student 2: "Thats what happens when you drink too much."
Me: "You know, I was going to say something, but you beat me to it."

Snacks

Student: "Why do you get so much food from (the culinary arts class)?"
Me: "I'm pretty sure you all like me more when you aren't actually my students."

Throwback Thursdays!

Student: "Hey Mr., do doctors take bribes?"

Me, Myself, and I

Former Student: "Do you miss having me in class?"
Me: "Yeah, you were a lot of fun in class."
Former Student: "Yeah, I would miss me too."

Serious Business

*After a three day weekend*

Me: "Did anybody do anything fun this weekend?"

Student: "I did math at least once every day."

Me: "Oh, you did math almost as much as I did."

*Students laugh*

Me: "No, I am serious."