Vending Machines

Student: "Man, why don't this school have vending machines?  (My old school) had vending machines in all the hallways."

Me: "Well I actually have a vending machine at home.  I wanted to bring it here from my room, but it was too heavy for me to carry all the way up to third floor."

Student: "Why didn't you use the elevator?"

Me: "It is too tall, and it won't fit."

Student: "Oh, that makes sense."

Code words

All teachers have code words.  'Choir Practice', 'Professional Development', and 'Church' all stand for 'Bar'.

"Are you going to church after school?"
"For sure I really need to do some praying."

The funniest part is when students break the code and not even realize it.

"Why are you guys going to church after work?  If I were you I would go to a bar."

Bandaids

Student 1: "Do you have a bandaid?"

*Note: student is not actually bleeding*

Me: "Nope, I have kleenex and tape, so if you want you can make a bandaid."

Student 2: "Hahaha, dude ain't playin."

Man-hoes

Female Student: "He a hoe, thats why I had to punch him in the face."

New Year

Today was the first day for all students and after school I was checking on the new teachers to make sure they had survived.  I got this reaction from one teacher, "The most terrifying thing about today is that I have to do it all again tomorrow."

I'm not sure truer words have ever been spoken.

Fashion Police

*Sound of a large bag of chips being opened*

Me: "(Student), what are you eating over there?"

Student: "Nothin, thats my shirt."

Me: "Are you wearing a plastic shirt?"

Relationships

*I am so happy I can laugh at teenage relationships.*

Student: "Mr., is it ok to break up with someone because he wants to hang out with his friends?"

Me: "What?"

Student: "Yeah, I was dating this guy and he wanted to hang out with his friends instead of me so I broke up with him."

Me: "Uhhh..."

Student: "After I broke up with him I was hoping he would come back to me, but he hasn't yet."

*This was the point where I could no longer contain my laughter*