Loser

Student: "Why do you like teaching here?"

Me: "Because you all are way more interesting than (Neighboring district)."

Student: "Yeah, they are just a bunch of white kids that think they cool.  Were you a white kid thinkin' you cool?"

Me: "I never thought I was cool."

Fictional Conference.

Student: "This is the first time that my teachers haven't had anything bad to say during a parent conference."

Me: "Well I could make up some things if you want..."

Conferences

*Small child crying at parent conferences.*

Me: "That must be a rough conference.  It isn't even about him and he is crying."

Peer Review

*Student on phone*

Me: "Could you hang up your phone and work on your review sheet?"

Student 1: "Why you gotta do me like that?!?! I thought we were best friends!!?!"

Me: "No..."

Student 1: "Whaaaaaaat?  I bought your ticket to go see Madea yesterday!"

Me: "No..."

Student 1: "Ok, so it was Saturday, but you know we besties."

Student 2: "Are you still talking?"

Proper

Student 1 (to student 2): "Man, you are such an asshole."

Co-Teacher: "You can't call him an asshole."

Student 1 (to student 2): "You are nastier than a colon."

ROBOTEACHER

Student: "How do you laugh?"

Me: "I don't.  I never laugh."

Student: "Are you a robot?"

Best Learning

Teacher: "Ugh, I have to go to the worst meeting this afternoon. The presenters just stand their and talk at us for two hours and they get mad if we try and ask any questions."

Me: "Well yeah, that how you are supposed to teach.  I just shout information at my students and expect them to know everything.  Or have I been teaching wrong for the past seven years?"

Truth Bomb

Student: "Can you dance like James Brown?"

Me: "Nah."

Student: "Why not?"

Me: "Do you see how pasty white I am?"

Student: "That don't mean nothin'.  You can do anything if you put your mind to it."

Me: "I like the way you think."

Bright Light

Teacher: "I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm not sure if it is a train."

End of Quarter

Student: "Could I go get a drink of water?"

*heard from the hallway*

"I AIN'T FUCKIN' DEALIN' WITH HER BITCH ASS!!!"

*Door slams*

Me: "No, I don't think it's a good time for that."

Sound of Pain

There is construction happening in our building, and I don't know what they are doing, but it sounds exactly like a dentist's drill.

OWND

Student: "Why do we need to know math?  It isn't like the speed limit is going to be a math equation."

Me:

Names

Student 1: "Hey Mr. (wrong name), could I get some help?"

Me: "Well he is across the hall."

Student 1: "Oh shoot, sorry."

*5 min later*

Student 1: "Could I get some more help Mr. (other wrong name)?"

Me: "Are you just going to call me by the name of every other white guy in our school?"

Student 2: "Who you gonna call him next?"

Student 3: "Clearly Mr. (Other name) is next."

Ye Olden Times

"So Mr., your old, what old-timey things do you remember?"

Plug

*Student pushes my projector cart over to her desk and the cord unplugs from the wall.*

Me: "Where are you going with that?"

Student: "I'm going to plug in my laptop."

Me: "You know that isn't going to work if it isn't plugged into the wall?"

Student: "What? It has to be plugged in?"

Not a Morning Person

Student: "Isn't it true that you should be happy no matter how early in the morning it is?"

Me: "My wife might punch you for making such a statement."

Quizzy Land

Student: "Why do we have quizzes every day?  They shouldn't call this math class, they should call it Quizzy Land."

Me: "I'm going to make a banner for my door.  It is going to say 'Welcome to Quizzy Land!'  Everyone will know where they are from now on!"

Student"..."