Really Into Music

Student: "Mr., do you listen to Drake?"

Me: "No"

Student: "You gotta listen to Drake.  There are those time that you just FEEL Drake."

Me: "You like to feel Drake?"

RAWR!

"Mr., do I have T-Rex arms?"

Soundtrack for the Day

Our school always plays music in the main hallway in front of our office.  This means someone made a conscious decision to play a Kenny G covers Celine Dion CD.  I'm not sure what this implies, but I can't agree with it.

Words

Student 1: "Mr., would you tell him to stop cussing at me?"

Student 2: "I didn't say shit to him."

Stone Age Games

Me: "Could one of you guys put the calculator away?"

*students grumble about who is going to put it away*

Me: "Rock, Paper, Scissors for it."

Student: "Man, I haven't played that game in a day.  Last time I played that game I was riding a dinosaur."

Better Than Axe

*Student 1 is eating an orange*

Student 2: "Man, you reek of oranges.  You ain't comin' over to my house tomorrow smelling all fruity."

Take the Lead

Student: "You can't have girls lead in dancing."

Me: "Why not?"

Student: "Because you would fall down if a girl was leading."

Me: "If you fall down then just get back up and keep dancing."

Student: "No way, if I fall down I just lay there.  Texting people."

Accents

I have one student who thinks that it is really cool to talk in an Australian accent.  He is pretty much alone in that belief, but no one has the heart to tell him.

Shakin' it

Student: "If you are out of salt can you shake it like a salt shaker?"

Me: "No, you have to shake it like a Polaroid picture."

Student: "Whats that?  Is that some teacher thing?"

*sigh*

Vending Machines

Student: "Man, why don't this school have vending machines?  (My old school) had vending machines in all the hallways."

Me: "Well I actually have a vending machine at home.  I wanted to bring it here from my room, but it was too heavy for me to carry all the way up to third floor."

Student: "Why didn't you use the elevator?"

Me: "It is too tall, and it won't fit."

Student: "Oh, that makes sense."

Code words

All teachers have code words.  'Choir Practice', 'Professional Development', and 'Church' all stand for 'Bar'.

"Are you going to church after school?"
"For sure I really need to do some praying."

The funniest part is when students break the code and not even realize it.

"Why are you guys going to church after work?  If I were you I would go to a bar."

Bandaids

Student 1: "Do you have a bandaid?"

*Note: student is not actually bleeding*

Me: "Nope, I have kleenex and tape, so if you want you can make a bandaid."

Student 2: "Hahaha, dude ain't playin."

Man-hoes

Female Student: "He a hoe, thats why I had to punch him in the face."

New Year

Today was the first day for all students and after school I was checking on the new teachers to make sure they had survived.  I got this reaction from one teacher, "The most terrifying thing about today is that I have to do it all again tomorrow."

I'm not sure truer words have ever been spoken.

Fashion Police

*Sound of a large bag of chips being opened*

Me: "(Student), what are you eating over there?"

Student: "Nothin, thats my shirt."

Me: "Are you wearing a plastic shirt?"

Relationships

*I am so happy I can laugh at teenage relationships.*

Student: "Mr., is it ok to break up with someone because he wants to hang out with his friends?"

Me: "What?"

Student: "Yeah, I was dating this guy and he wanted to hang out with his friends instead of me so I broke up with him."

Me: "Uhhh..."

Student: "After I broke up with him I was hoping he would come back to me, but he hasn't yet."

*This was the point where I could no longer contain my laughter*