Too late

Another story from my first year.

Student to me: "I am going to pull my phone out to call _______ and you better not take it."

*I eye the student suspiciously*

Student: "Shit, Ms. __________ already took it."

On Borrowing Pencils

If a student doesn't bring their supplies to class I will trade them for a pencil.  Most of the time people trade their student ID.  Now I have a desk full of ID's and no pencils.  New ID's cost $5 each....

Use the Force

Student: "Can you get me a book?"

*At this point I am all the way across the room from the text books.  I stretch out my arm as far as it will go.*

Me: "Sorry, I can't reach them."

Student: "Use the force.  Pull the book over here."

*I stretch out my arm again*

Me: "HGGGGGGNNNNN.  Nope, still can't get it.  Looks like you have to walk over there yourself."

Catch the snitches!

Student: "Mr. do you like snitches?"

Me: "Oh, I love quiddich!"

Student: "What? No, snitches."

Me: "Yeah, the snitch is the little golden ball that flies around that you have to catch to end the match."

Student: "...what?"

Me: "You know, in Harry Potter."

Birthdays

Student: "Is my birthday in two weeks?"

Me: "You don't know when your birthday is?"

Free time

One particular Friday my first year of teaching I decided to give some students some free time at the end of class and everyone is immediately drawn into their own little world on the internet.  A couple of the female students decide to play an online dress up game and when one of the boys in class he decides that he wants to play too.  I am already laughing to myself because I now have a thugged out boy basically playing with dolls in my classroom, but the ensuing conversation just made me lose it in front of everyone.

*The boy dresses up his character in fishnets, tall boots, and a tutu.*

Girl: "What the heck kind of an outfit is that?"

Boy (being completely serious): "Oh, it just sort of a nice going out outfit."

Girl: "She looks like a hooker.  Where is she supposed to be going out?"

Boy (Once again being completely serious): "Wherever, you know.  The movies, or maybe to the club."


*Lucky for me my students don't really pay attention to what I do because I'm pretty sure I was crying from laughing so hard.*

Dancing

Student: "I'm the best salsa dancer in (our city)"

Me: "What?"

Student: "Yeah, I was on American Idol."

Me: "American Idol is a singing show."

Student: "I lost."

Two Entirely Different Languages

Student: "Mr.,  you got a record?"

Me: "What?

Student: "You know...  A record."

*Side note, I play in a band.  We have put out two albums.*

Me: "I don't have a record.  I have two records."

Student: "What the heck do you do on the weekend?!?"

Me: "Mostly play music."

*It takes me about 15 minutes to realize what the student was actually asking at which point I go back and explain that I am not in fact a criminal.*

Crazy

Student: "I'm goin' crazy!"

Me: "I have been there for a while."

Student: "Probably about four years, right?"

Me: "Coincidentally that is how long I have been teaching."

Turtle Power!

Student 1: "Man they are the worst ninjas ever."

Me: "What the heck are you talking about?"

Student 1: "The Ninja Turtles"

Me: "Oh man, I love The Ninja Turtles!"

Student 2: "Thank you!"

Me: "Yeah, when Vanilla Ice showed up in the club it was AMAZING!"

Student 1: "No, just no...."


*Edit for those of you who don't get the reference*

Throwback Thursday: Bum edition

*Student 1 is asking other students for money so he can get some food from the vending machine.  No one gives him any money.*

Student 1: "Man, yall's some fuckin' bums! You ain't got no money!"

Me to student 2: "Did he really just call everyone bums because they wouldn't give him any money?"

At least someone understands me

Student: "Aww, look at you getting all sarcastic."

Me: "I'm just happy you can recognize my sarcasm.  Most people your age can't."

TuesdayTuesdayTUESDAY!!!

Student: "I'm selling my house Mr."

Me: "You flipping houses on the weekend?"

Student: "Only on Tuesdays."

It is too early for this ____

*Student walks in, closes door, and hangs on the doorknob*

Me: "What? Is someone chasing you?  You look like you are trying to lock someone out."

Student: "It's Charlie."

Me: "Who's Charlie?"

Student: "My imaginary friend."

Me:"...."

Grade Shutdown

Student: "I am going to be gone for the next two weeks.  Are you going to freeze my grade?"

Sleeper

My first year teaching we had one kid who did nothing but sleep all day.  At first I thought it was just my class, but apparently he slept in every class.  It was so bad that this kid had a permanent case of bed-head.  One day when we were doing state testing the regular bell system was turned off, and several of the teachers decided to conduct an experiment. We decided to not wake him up to change classes to see how long he would sleep.  He slept exactly to the moment lunch started, he went down and ate lunch, came back, and fell asleep to the end of the day.

Face of X

*Students are answering questions about functions*

Student 1: "Wait, what is this f(x)? Why isn't there a y?"
Me: "f is really the same thing as y."
Student 2: "Your face is the same thing as y."
Me: "Actually f stands for face."

Where The Bad Kids Go

Student: "What's that right there?"

Me: "That is an air conditioning vent."

Student: "Oh, that kinda looks like an animal cage.  Those kinda look like claw marks."

Me: "Well yeah.  I stuff the bad kids in the air conditioning vent."

Hats

Student: "There was this chick out in the hallway who was like, "Take off your hat."  Then I'm like, "No"  Then I say, "Ok." and take off my hat."

Me: "That's a great story.  You should tell it more often."

Dystopia

Student: "What is the deal with this government shutdown?"

*I try to explain what is going on and probably do a terrible job*

Student: "Man this is like some Hunger Games shit.  I know what I am going to do if this happens."

Me: "What?"

Student: "Run, and then hide in a tree.  Then I would kill somebody with some bees."

Consequences...

Tomorrow is the three year anniversary of this experience.

First a bit of backstory:  This particular student had been caught smoking pot the previous year.  He went to the Juvenile Detention Center (JDC) for the remained of the year.  Over the summer he started parole and was allowed to return to school in the fall.

Starting at the beginning of school I had this student twice a day.  Once second hour and then again right after lunch.  My second block class only had one other student at the time and he was generally focused and got his work done.  Forth block was an entirely different story.  He was distracted, goofy, and didn't get anything done.  Everyone knew he was smoking somewhere during lunch.  I had even held him after school to call him out and told him that if he got caught he would probably get kicked out of school.

Fast forward a few weeks. This student comes into second hour and asks to use the bathroom (In the trailer I had an attached bathroom) and wants to use the air freshener (not out of the ordinary since he had been having some issues with gas).  When he goes into the bathroom and I start explaining that day's lesson to the other student.  In the middle of my explanation I stop and start to smell the air. With the other student still in the room I start saying, "Wait... No... He can't be that stupid! ______ get out here right now!"

Their was a toilet flush and he walked out of the bathroom with bright red eyes.  I chewed him out for a bit before calling security.  Security came to check out the situation.  There was ash still on the floor, so there was no denying the fact that he had been smoking in my bathroom.  He was suspended that day and was sent back to JDC by the end of the week.

So about a month after starting my first teaching job I had managed to send a kid to jail.

Stay out of my bubble

I have a remarkable number of students this year who have no sense of personal space.  These students insist on talking to you about six inches from your face.  They also tend to be the students who need a shower.

Test Day

Yesterday was test day which means I got questions like this.

"Mr. I don't understand this because I haven't really been paying attention.  Do I have to take the test?"